The plush curtain of the confessional rearranged its dismal2 creases3, leaving exposed only the bottom of an old man's old shoe. Behind the curtain an immortal4 soul was alone with God and the Reverend Adolphus Schwartz, priest of the parish. Sound began, a labored5 whispering, sibilant and discreet6, broken at intervals7 by the voice of the priest in audible question.
Rudolph Miller8 knelt in the pew beside the confessional and waited, straining nervously9 to hear, and yet not to hear what was being said within. The fact that the priest was audible alarmed him. His own turn came next, and the three or four others who waited might listen unscrupulously while he admitted his violations10 of the Sixth and Ninth Commandments.
Rudolph had never committed adultery, nor even coveted11 his neighbor's wife—but it was the confession1 of the associate sins that was particularly hard to contemplate12. In comparison he relished13 the less shameful14 fallings away—they formed a grayish background which relieved the ebony mark of sexual offenses15 upon his soul.
He had been covering his ears with his hands, hoping that his refusal to hear would be noticed, and a like courtesy rendered to him in turn, when a sharp movement of the penitent16 in the confessional made him sink his face precipitately17 into the crook18 of his elbow. Fear assumed solid form, and pressed out a lodging19 between his heart and his lungs. He must try now with all his might to be sorry for his sins—not because he was afraid, but because he had offended God. He must convince God that he was sorry and to do so he must first convince himself. After a tense emotional struggle he achieved a tremulous self-pity, and decided20 that he was now ready. If, by allowing no other thought to enter his head, he could preserve this state of emotion unimpaired until he went into that large coffin21 set on end, he would have survived another crisis in his religious life.
For some time, however, a demoniac notion had partially22 possessed23 him. He could go home now, before his turn came, and tell his mother that he had arrived too late, and found the priest gone. This, unfortunately, involved the risk of being caught in a lie. As an alternative he could say that he had gone to confession, but this meant that he must avoid communion next day, for communion taken upon an uncleansed soul would turn to poison in his mouth, and he would crumple24 limp and damned from the altar-rail.
Again Father Schwartz's voice became audible.
"And for your——"
The words blurred25 to a husky mumble26, and Rudolph got excitedly to his feet. He felt that it was impossible for him to go to confession this afternoon. He hesitated tensely. Then from the confessional came a tap, a creak, and a sustained rustle27. The slide had fallen and the plush curtain trembled. Temptation had come to him too late....
"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.... I confess to Almighty28 God and to you, Father, that I have sinned.... Since my last confession it has been one month and three days.... I accuse myself of—taking the Name of the Lord in vain...."
This was an easy sin. His curses had been but bravado—telling of them was little less than a brag29.
"... of being mean to an old lady."
"How, my child?"
"Old lady Swenson," Rudolph's murmur31 soared jubilantly. "She got our baseball that we knocked in her window, and she wouldn't give it back, so we yelled 'Twenty-three, Skidoo,' at her all afternoon. Then about five o'clock she had a fit, and they had to have the doctor."
"Go on, my child."
"Of—of not believing I was the son of my parents."
"What?" The interrogation was distinctly startled.
"Of not believing that I was the son of my parents."
"Why not?"
"Oh, just pride," answered the penitent airily.
"You mean you thought you were too good to be the son of your parents?"
"Yes, Father." On a less jubilant note.
"Go on."
"Of being disobedient and calling my mother names. Of slandering32 people behind my back. Of smoking——"
Rudolph had now exhausted33 the minor34 offenses, and was approaching the sins it was agony to tell. He held his fingers against his face like bars as if to press out between them the shame in his heart.
"Of dirty words and immodest thoughts and desires," he whispered very low.
"How often?"
"I don't know."
"Once a week? Twice a week?"
"Twice a week."
"Did you yield to these desires?"
"No, Father."
"Were you alone when you had them?"
"No, Father. I was with two boys and a girl."
"Don't you know, my child, that you should avoid the occasions of sin as well as the sin itself? Evil companionship leads to evil desires and evil desires to evil actions. Where were you when this happened?"
"In a barn in back of——"
"I don't want to hear any names," interrupted the priest sharply.
"Well, it was up in the loft35 of this barn and this girl and—a fella, they were saying things—saying immodest things, and I stayed."
"You should have gone—you should have told the girl to go."
He should have gone! He could not tell Father Schwartz how his pulse had bumped in his wrist, how a strange, romantic excitement had possessed him when those curious things had been said. Perhaps in the houses of delinquency among the dull and hard-eyed incorrigible36 girls can be found those for whom has burned the whitest fire.
"Have you anything else to tell me?"
"I don't think so, Father."
Rudolph felt a great relief. Perspiration37 had broken out under his tight-pressed fingers.
"Have you told any lies?"
The question startled him. Like all those who habitually38 and instinctively39 lie, he had an enormous respect and awe40 for the truth. Something almost exterior41 to himself dictated42 a quick, hurt answer.
"Oh, no, Father, I never tell lies."
For a moment, like the commoner in the king's chair, he tasted the pride of the situation. Then as the priest began to murmur conventional admonitions he realized that in heroically denying he had told lies, he had committed a terrible sin—he had told a lie in confession.
In automatic response to Father Schwartz's "Make an act of contrition," he began to repeat aloud meaninglessly:
He must fix this now—it was a bad mistake—but as his teeth shut on the last words of his prayer there was a sharp sound, and the slat was closed.
A minute later when he emerged into the twilight44 the relief in coming from the muggy45 church into an open world of wheat and sky postponed46 the full realization47 of what he had done. Instead of worrying he took a deep breath of the crisp air and began to say over and over to himself the words "Blatchford Sarnemington, Blatchford Sarnemington!"
Blatchford Sarnemington was himself, and these words were in effect a lyric48. When he became Blatchford Sarnemington a suave49 nobility flowed from him. Blatchford Sarnemington lived in great sweeping50 triumphs. When Rudolph half closed his eyes it meant that Blatchford had established dominance over him and, as he went by, there were envious51 mutters in the air: "Blatchford Sarnemington! There goes Blatchford Sarnemington."
He was Blatchford now for a while as he strutted52 homeward along the staggering road, but when the road braced53 itself in macadam in order to become the main street of Ludwig, Rudolph's exhilaration faded out and his mind cooled, and he felt the horror of his lie. God, of course, already knew of it—but Rudolph reserved a corner of his mind where he was safe from God, where he prepared the subterfuges54 with which he often tricked God. Hiding now in this corner he considered how he could best avoid the consequences of his misstatement.
At all costs he must avoid communion next day. The risk of angering God to such an extent was too great. He would have to drink water "by accident" in the morning, and thus, in accordance with a church law, render himself unfit to receive communion that day. In spite of its flimsiness this subterfuge55 was the most feasible that occurred to him. He accepted its risks and was concentrating on how best to put it into effect, as he turned the corner by Romberg's Drug Store and came in sight of his father's house.
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1
confession
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| n.自白，供认，承认 | |
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2
dismal
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| adj.阴沉的，凄凉的，令人忧郁的，差劲的 | |
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creases
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| （使…）起折痕，弄皱( crease的第三人称单数 )； （皮肤）皱起，使起皱纹 | |
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4
immortal
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| adj.不朽的；永生的，不死的；神的 | |
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5
labored
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| adj.吃力的，谨慎的v.努力争取(for)( labor的过去式和过去分词 )；苦干；详细分析；（指引擎）缓慢而困难地运转 | |
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6
discreet
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| adj.(言行)谨慎的；慎重的；有判断力的 | |
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7
intervals
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| n.[军事]间隔( interval的名词复数 )；间隔时间；[数学]区间；（戏剧、电影或音乐会的）幕间休息 | |
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8
miller
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| n.磨坊主 | |
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nervously
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| adv.神情激动地，不安地 | |
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10
violations
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| 违反( violation的名词复数 )； 冒犯； 违反（行为、事例）； 强奸 | |
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11
coveted
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| adj.令人垂涎的；垂涎的，梦寐以求的v.贪求，觊觎(covet的过去分词)；垂涎；贪图 | |
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12
contemplate
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| vt.盘算，计议；周密考虑；注视，凝视 | |
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13
relished
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| v.欣赏( relish的过去式和过去分词 )；从…获得乐趣；渴望 | |
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14
shameful
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| adj.可耻的，不道德的 | |
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15
offenses
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| n.进攻( offense的名词复数 )；（球队的）前锋；进攻方法；攻势 | |
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16
penitent
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| adj.后悔的；n.后悔者；忏悔者 | |
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17
precipitately
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| adv.猛进地 | |
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crook
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| v.使弯曲；n.小偷，骗子，贼；弯曲(处) | |
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19
lodging
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| n.寄宿，住所；(大学生的)校外宿舍 | |
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20
decided
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| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
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coffin
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| n.棺材，灵柩 | |
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22
partially
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| adv.部分地，从某些方面讲 | |
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23
possessed
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| adj.疯狂的；拥有的，占有的 | |
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24
crumple
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| v.把...弄皱，满是皱痕，压碎，崩溃 | |
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25
blurred
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| v.（使）变模糊( blur的过去式和过去分词 )；（使）难以区分；模模糊糊；迷离 | |
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26
mumble
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| n./v.喃喃而语，咕哝 | |
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27
rustle
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| v.沙沙作响；偷盗(牛、马等)；n.沙沙声声 | |
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28
almighty
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| adj.全能的，万能的；很大的，很强的 | |
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brag
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| v./n.吹牛，自夸；adj.第一流的 | |
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30
wan
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| (wide area network)广域网 | |
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31
murmur
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| n.低语，低声的怨言；v.低语，低声而言 | |
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32
slandering
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| [法]口头诽谤行为 | |
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33
exhausted
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| adj.极其疲惫的，精疲力尽的 | |
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34
minor
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| adj.较小(少)的，较次要的；n.辅修学科；vi.辅修 | |
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35
loft
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| n.阁楼，顶楼 | |
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36
incorrigible
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| adj.难以纠正的，屡教不改的 | |
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37
perspiration
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| n.汗水；出汗 | |
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38
habitually
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| ad.习惯地，通常地 | |
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39
instinctively
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| adv.本能地 | |
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40
awe
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| n.敬畏，惊惧；vt.使敬畏，使惊惧 | |
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41
exterior
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| adj.外部的，外在的；表面的 | |
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42
dictated
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| v.大声讲或读( dictate的过去式和过去分词 )；口授；支配；摆布 | |
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43
heartily
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| adv.衷心地，诚恳地，十分，很 | |
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44
twilight
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| n.暮光，黄昏；暮年，晚期，衰落时期 | |
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45
muggy
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| adj.闷热的；adv.（天气）闷热而潮湿地；n.（天气）闷热而潮湿 | |
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46
postponed
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| vt.& vi.延期，缓办，（使）延迟vt.把…放在次要地位；[语]把…放在后面（或句尾）vi.（疟疾等）延缓发作（或复发） | |
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47
realization
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| n.实现；认识到，深刻了解 | |
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48
lyric
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| n.抒情诗，歌词；adj.抒情的 | |
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49
suave
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| adj.温和的；柔和的；文雅的 | |
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50
sweeping
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| adj.范围广大的，一扫无遗的 | |
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51
envious
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| adj.嫉妒的，羡慕的 | |
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52
strutted
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| 趾高气扬地走，高视阔步( strut的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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53
braced
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| adj.拉牢的v.支住( brace的过去式和过去分词 )；撑牢；使自己站稳；振作起来 | |
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54
subterfuges
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| n.（用说谎或欺骗以逃脱责备、困难等的）花招，遁词( subterfuge的名词复数 ) | |
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55
subterfuge
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| n.诡计；藉口 | |
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