The little silver timepiece ticked with an aggressive loudness as he sat now at his usual post, his black eyes fixed61 half tenderly, half fiercely on Lilith’s white beauty,—beauty which was, as he told himself, all his own. Her arms were folded across her breast,—her features were pallid62 as marble, and her breathing was very light and low. The golden lamp burned dimly as it swung from the purple-pavilioned ceiling—the scent63 of the roses that were always set fresh in their vase every day, filled the room, and though the windows were closed against the night, a dainty moonbeam strayed in through a chink where the draperies were not quite drawn64, and mingled65 its emerald glitter with the yellow lustre shed by the lamp on the darkly-carpeted floor.
“I will risk it,”—said El-Râmi in a whisper,—a whisper that sounded loud in the deep stillness—“I will risk it—why not? I have proved myself capable of arresting life, or the soul—for life is the soul—in its flight from hence into the Nowhere,—I must needs also have the power to keep it indefinitely here for myself in whatever form I please. These are the rewards of science,—rewards which I am free to claim,—and what I have done, that I have a right to do again. Now let me ask myself the question plainly;—Do I believe in the supernatural?”
He paused, thinking earnestly,—his eyes still fixed on Lilith.
“No, I do not,”—he answered himself at last—“Frankly and honestly, I do not. I have no proofs. I am, it is true, puzzled by Lilith’s language,—but when I know her as she is, a woman, sentient66 and conscious of my presence, I may find out the seeming mystery. The dreams of Féraz are only dreams,—the vision I saw on that one occasion”—and a faint tremor67 came over him as he remembered the sweet yet solemn look of the shining One he had seen standing68 between him and his visitor the monk—“the vision was of course his work—the work of that mystic master of a no less mystic brotherhood69. No—I have no proofs of the supernatural, and I must not deceive myself. Even the promise of Lilith fails. Poor child!—she sleeps like the daughter of Jairus, but when I, in my turn, pronounce the words ‘Maiden, I say unto thee, arise’—she will obey;—she will awake and live indeed.”
“She will awake and live indeed!”
The words were repeated after him distinctly—but by whom? He started up,—looked round—there was no one in the room,—and Lilith was immovable as the dead. He began to find something chill and sad in the intense silence that followed,—everything about him was a harmony of glowing light and purple colour,—yet all seemed suddenly very dull and dim and cold. He shivered where he stood, and pressed his hands to his eyes,—his temples throbbed70 and ached, and he felt curiously71 bewildered. Presently, looking round the room again, he saw that the picture of “Christ and His Disciples” was unveiled;—he had not noticed the circumstance before. Had Zaroba inadvertently drawn aside the curtain which ordinarily hid it from view? Slowly his eyes travelled to it and dwelt upon it—slowly they followed the letters of the inscription72 beneath:
“WHOM SAY YE THAT I AM?”
The question seemed to him for the moment all-paramount, he could not shake off the sense of pertinacious73 demand with which it impressed him.
“A good Man,”—he said aloud, staring fixedly74 at the divine Face and Figure, with its eloquent75 expression of exalted76 patience, grandeur77 and sweetness. “A good Man, misled by noble enthusiasm and unselfish desire to benefit the poor. A man with a wise knowledge of human magnetism78 and the methods of healing in which it can be employed,—a man, too, somewhat skilled in the art of optical illusion. Yet when all is said and done, a good Man—too good and wise and pure for the peace of the rulers of the world,—too honest and clear-sighted to deserve any other reward but death. Divine?—No!—save in so far as in our highest moments we are all divine. Existing now?—a Prince of Heaven, a Pleader against Punishment? Nay79, nay!—no more existing than the Soul of Lilith,—that soul for which I search, but which I feel I shall never find!”
And he drew nearer to the ivory-satin couch on which lay the lovely sleeping wonder and puzzle of his ambitious dreams. Leaning towards her he touched her hands,—they were cold, but as he laid his own upon them they grew warm and trembled. Closer still he leaned, his eyes drinking in every detail of her beauty with eager, proud and masterful eyes.
“Lilith!—my Lilith!” he murmured—“After all, why should we put off happiness for the sake of everlastingness80, when happiness can be had, at any rate for a few years. One can but live and die and there an end. And Love comes but once, ... Love!—how I have scoffed81 at it and made a jest of it as if it were a plaything. And even now while my whole heart craves82 for it, I question whether it is worth having! Poor Lilith!—only a woman after all,—a woman whose beauty will soon pass—whose days will soon be done,—only a woman—not an immortal83 Soul,—there is, there can be, no such thing as an immortal Soul.”
Bending down over her, he resolutely unclasped the fair crossed arms, and seized the delicate small hands in a close grip.
“Lilith! Lilith!” he called imperiously.
A long and heavy pause ensued,—then the girl’s limbs quivered violently as though moved by a sudden convulsion, and her lips parted in the utterance84 of the usual formula—
“I am here.”
“Here at last, but you have been absent long”—said El-Râmi with some reproach, “Too long. And you have forgotten your promise.”
“Forgotten!” she echoed—“O doubting spirit! Do such as I am, ever forget?”
“Then why have you not fulfilled it?” he demanded—“The strongest patience may tire. I have waited and watched, as you bade me—but now—now I am weary of waiting.”
Oh, what a sigh broke from her lips!
“I am weary too”—she said—“The angels are weary. God is weary. All Creation is weary—of Doubt.”
For a moment he was abashed,—but only for a moment; in himself he considered Doubt to be the strongest part of his nature,—a positive shield and buckler against possible error.
“You cannot wait,”—went on Lilith, speaking slowly and with evident sadness—“Neither can we. We have hoped,—in vain! We have watched—in vain! The strong man’s pride will not bend, nor the stubborn spirit turn in prayer to its Creator. Therefore what is not bent86 must be broken,—and what voluntarily refuses Light must accept Darkness. I am bidden to come to you, my beloved,—to come to you as I am, and as I ever shall be,—I will come—but how will you receive me?”
“With ecstasy87, with love, with welcome beyond all words or thoughts!” cried El-Râmi in passionate88 excitement. “O Lilith, Lilith! you who read the stars, cannot you read my heart? Do you not see that I—I who have recoiled89 from the very thought of loving,—I, who have striven to make of myself a man of stone and iron rather than flesh and blood, am conquered by your spells, victorious90 Lilith!—conquered in every fibre of my being by some subtle witchcraft91 known to yourself alone. Am I weak!—am I false to my own beliefs? I know not,—I am only conscious of the sovereignty of beauty which has mastered many a stronger man than I. What is the fiercest fire compared with this fever in my veins92? I worship you, Lilith! I love you!—more than the world, life, time and hope of heaven, I love you!”
Flushed with eagerness and trembling with his own emotion, he rained kisses on the hands he held, but Lilith strove to withdraw them from his clasp. Pale as alabaster93 she lay as usual with fast-closed eyes, and again a deep sigh heaved her breast.
“You love my Shadow,”—she said mournfully—“not Myself.”
But El-Râmi’s rapture94 was not to be chilled by these words. He gathered up a glittering mass of the rich hair that lay scattered95 on the pillow and pressed it to his lips.
“Oh Lilith mine, is this ‘Shadow’?” he asked—“All this gold in which I net my heart like a willingly-caught bird, and make an end of my boasted wisdom? Are these sweet lips, these fair features, this exquisite body, all ‘shadow’? Then blessed must be the light that casts so gracious a reflection! Judge me not harshly, my Sweet,—for if indeed you are divine, and this beauty I behold96 is the mere21 reflex of Divinity, let me see the divine form of you for once, and have a guarantee for faith through love! If there is another and a fairer Lilith than the one whom I now behold, deny me not the grace of so marvellous a vision! I am ready!—I fear nothing—to-night I could face God Himself undismayed!”
He paused abruptly—he knew not why. Something in the chill and solemn look of Lilith’s face checked his speech.
“Lilith—Lilith!” he began again whisperingly—“Do I ask too much? Surely not!—not if you love me! And you do love me—I feel, I know you do!”
There was a long pause,—Lilith might have been made of marble for all the movement she gave. Her breathing was so light as to be scarcely perceptible, and when she answered him at last, her voice sounded strangely faint and far-removed. “Yes, I love you”—she said—“I love you as I have loved you for a thousand ages, and as you have never loved me. To win your love has been my task—to repel49 my love has been yours.”
“But you have conquered, Lilith”—he answered—“yours is the victory. And have I not surrendered, willingly, joyfully99? O my beautiful Dreamer, what would you have me do?”
El-Râmi drew himself backward from her couch, impatient and angered.
“Repent!” he cried aloud—“And why should I repent? What have I done that calls for repentance101? For what sin am I to blame? For doubting a God who, deaf to centuries upon centuries of human prayer and worship, will not declare Himself? and for striving to perceive Him through the cruel darkness by which we are surrounded? What crime can be discovered there? The world is most infinitely102 sad,—and life is most infinitely dreary,—and may I not strive to comfort those amid the struggle who fain would ‘prove’ and hold fast to the things beyond? Nay!—let the heavens open and cast forth103 upon me their fiery104 thunderbolts, I will not repent! For, vast as my doubt is, so vast would be my faith, if God would speak and say to His creatures but once—‘Lo! I am here!’ Tortures of hell-pain would not terrify me, if in the end His Being were made clearly manifest—a cross of endless woe105 would I endure, to feel and see Him near me at the last, and more than all, to make the world feel and see Him—to prove to wondering, trembling, terror-stricken, famished106, heart-broken human beings that He exists,—that He is aware of their misery107,—that He cares for them, that it is all well for them,—that there is Eternal Joy hiding itself somewhere amid the great star-thickets of this monstrous108 universe—that we are not desolate109 atoms whirled by a blind fierce Force into life against our will, and out of it again without a shadow of reason or a glimmer of hope. Repent for such thoughts as these? I will not! Pray to a God of such inexorable silence? I will not! No, Lilith—my Lilith whom I snatched from greedy death—even you may fail me at the last,—you may break your promise,—the promise that I should see with mortal eyes your own Immortal Self—who can blame you for the promise of a dream, poor child! You may prove yourself nothing but woman; woman, poor, frail110, weak, helpless woman to be loved and cherished and pitied and caressed111 in all the delicate limbs, and kissed in all the dainty golden threads of hair, and then—then—to be laid down like a broken flower in the tomb that has grudged112 me your beauty all this while,—all this may be, Lilith, and yet I will not pray to an unproved God, nor repent of an unproved sin!”
He uttered his words with extraordinary force and eloquence—one would have thought he was addressing a multitude of hearers instead of that one tranced girl, who, though beautiful as a sculptured saint on a sarcophagus, appeared almost as inanimate, save for the slow parting of her lips when she spoke.
He heard her, dimly perplexed113; but strengthened in his own convictions by what he had said, he was conscious of power,—power to defy, power to endure, power to command. Such a sense of exhilaration and high confidence had not possessed114 him for many a long day, and he was about to speak again, when Lilith’s voice once more stole musically on the silence.
“You would reproach God for the world’s misery. Your complaint is unjust. There is a Law,—a Law for the earth as for all worlds; and God cannot alter one iota115 of that Law without destroying Himself and His Universe. Shall all Beauty, all Order, all Creation come to an end because wilful116 Man is wilfully117 miserable118? Your world trespasses120 against the Law in almost everything it does—hence its suffering. Other worlds accept the Law and fulfil it,—and with them, all is well.”
“Who is to know this Law?” demanded El-Râmi impatiently. “And how can the world trespass119 against what is not explained?”
“It is explained;”—said Lilith—“The explanation is in every soul’s inmost consciousness. You all know the Law and feel it—but knowing, you ignore it. Men were intended by Law—God’s Law—to live in brotherhood; but your world is divided into nations all opposed to each other,—the result is Evil. There is a Law of Health, which men can scarcely be forced to follow—the majority disobey it; again, the result is Evil. There is a Law of ‘Enough’—men grasp more than enough, and leave their brother with less than enough,—the result is Evil. There is a Law of Love—men make it a Law of Lust,—the result is Evil. All sin, all pain, all misery, are results of the Law’s transgression,—and God cannot alter the Law, He Himself being part of it and its fulfilment.”
“And is Death also the Law?” asked El-Râmi—“Wise Lilith!—Death, which concludes all things, both in Law and Order?”
“There is no death,” responded Lilith—“I have told you so. What you call by that name is Life.”
“Prove it!” exclaimed El-Râmi excitedly, “Prove it, Lilith! Show me Yourself! If there is another You than this beloved beauty of your visible form, let me behold it, and then—then will I repent of doubt,—then will I pray for pardon!”
“You will repent indeed,”—said Lilith sorrowfully—“And you will pray as children pray when first they learn ‘Our Father.’ Yes, I will come to you; watch for me, O my erring121 Belovëd!—watch!—for neither my love nor my promise can fail. But O remember that you are not ready—that your will, your passion, your love, forces me hither ere the time,—that, if I come, it is but to depart again—for ever!”
“No, no!” cried El-Râmi desperately—“Not to depart, but to remain!—to stay with me, my Lilith, my own—body and soul,—for ever!”
The last words sounded like a defiance122 flung at some invisible opponent. He stopped, trembling—for a sudden and mysterious wave of sound filled the room, like a great wind among the trees, or the last grand chord of an organ-symphony. A chill fear assailed123 him,—he kept his eyes fixed on the beautiful form of Lilith with a strained eagerness of attention that made his temples ache. She grew paler and paler,—and yet, ... absorbed in his intent scrutiny124 he could not move or speak. His tongue seemed tied to the roof of his mouth,—he felt as though he could scarcely breathe. All life appeared to hang on one supreme125 moment of time, which like a point of light wavered between earth and heaven, mortality and infinity126. He,—one poor atom in the vast Universe,—stood, audaciously waiting for the declaration of God’s chiefest Secret. Would it be revealed at last?—or still withheld127?
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1
impatience
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| n.不耐烦，急躁 | |
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2
brook
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| n.小河，溪；v.忍受，容让 | |
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3
determined
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| adj.坚定的；有决心的 | |
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4
haughty
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| adj.傲慢的，高傲的 | |
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5
humility
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| n.谦逊，谦恭 | |
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6
essentially
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| adv.本质上，实质上，基本上 | |
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7
glimmer
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| v.发出闪烁的微光；n.微光，微弱的闪光 | |
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8
uncertainty
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| n.易变，靠不住，不确知，不确定的事物 | |
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9
taint
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| n.污点；感染；腐坏；v.使感染；污染 | |
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10
arrogantly
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| adv.傲慢地 | |
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11
superfluous
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| adj.过多的，过剩的，多余的 | |
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12
assertive
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| adj.果断的，自信的，有冲劲的 | |
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chamber
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| n.房间，寝室；会议厅；议院；会所 | |
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lustre
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| n.光亮，光泽；荣誉 | |
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15
drooping
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| adj. 下垂的，无力的 动词droop的现在分词 | |
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16
construed
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| v.解释（陈述、行为等）( construe的过去式和过去分词 )；翻译，作句法分析 | |
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17
vouchsafed
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| v.给予，赐予( vouchsafe的过去式和过去分词 )；允诺 | |
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18
chafe
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| v.擦伤；冲洗；惹怒 | |
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fret
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| v.(使)烦恼；(使)焦急；(使)腐蚀，(使)磨损 | |
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20
spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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21
mere
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| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
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automaton
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| n.自动机器，机器人 | |
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misgivings
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| n.疑虑，担忧，害怕；疑虑，担心，恐惧( misgiving的名词复数 )；疑惧 | |
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24
feigned
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| a.假装的，不真诚的 | |
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wondrous
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| adj.令人惊奇的，奇妙的；adv.惊人地；异乎寻常地；令人惊叹地 | |
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rosy
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| adj.美好的，乐观的，玫瑰色的 | |
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foliage
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| n.叶子，树叶，簇叶 | |
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28
ablaze
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| adj.着火的，燃烧的；闪耀的，灯火辉煌的 | |
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29
amethystine
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| adj.紫水晶质的，紫色的；紫晶 | |
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marine
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| adj.海的；海生的；航海的；海事的；n.水兵 | |
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testimony
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| n.证词；见证，证明 | |
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32
evoked
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| [医]诱发的 | |
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rejection
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| n.拒绝，被拒，抛弃，被弃 | |
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asunder
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| adj.分离的，化为碎片 | |
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elusiveness
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| 狡诈 | |
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36
awakened
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| v.（使）醒( awaken的过去式和过去分词 )；（使）觉醒；弄醒；（使）意识到 | |
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exquisite
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| adj.精美的；敏锐的；剧烈的，感觉强烈的 | |
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frankly
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| adv.坦白地，直率地；坦率地说 | |
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avowed
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| adj.公开声明的，承认的v.公开声明，承认( avow的过去式和过去分词) | |
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40
pretence
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| n.假装，作假；借口，口实；虚伪；虚饰 | |
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41
thoroughly
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| adv.完全地，彻底地，十足地 | |
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42
germinated
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| v.（使）发芽( germinate的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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43
unreasonable
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| adj.不讲道理的，不合情理的，过度的 | |
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44
jealousy
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| n.妒忌，嫉妒，猜忌 | |
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45
chafed
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| v.擦热（尤指皮肤）( chafe的过去式 )；擦痛；发怒；惹怒 | |
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46
irritation
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| n.激怒，恼怒，生气 | |
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47
monk
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| n.和尚，僧侣，修道士 | |
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48
dispositions
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| 安排( disposition的名词复数 )； 倾向； （财产、金钱的）处置； 气质 | |
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49
repel
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| v.击退，抵制，拒绝，排斥 | |
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50
repelled
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| v.击退( repel的过去式和过去分词 )；使厌恶；排斥；推开 | |
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51
pivot
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| v.在枢轴上转动；装枢轴，枢轴；adj.枢轴的 | |
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52
awakening
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| n.觉醒，醒悟 adj.觉醒中的；唤醒的 | |
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53
stainless
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| adj.无瑕疵的，不锈的 | |
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54
artistic
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| adj.艺术(家)的，美术(家)的；善于艺术创作的 | |
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55
accustom
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| vt.使适应，使习惯 | |
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56
bestow
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| v.把…赠与，把…授予；花费 | |
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57
appreciation
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| n.评价；欣赏；感谢；领会，理解；价格上涨 | |
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58
wont
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| adj.习惯于；v.习惯；n.习惯 | |
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59
resolutely
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| adj.坚决地，果断地 | |
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instinctively
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| adv.本能地 | |
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61
fixed
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| adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的 | |
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62
pallid
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| adj.苍白的，呆板的 | |
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63
scent
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| n.气味，香味，香水，线索，嗅觉；v.嗅，发觉 | |
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64
drawn
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| v.拖，拉，拔出；adj.憔悴的，紧张的 | |
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65
mingled
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| 混合，混入( mingle的过去式和过去分词 )； 混进，与…交往[联系] | |
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66
sentient
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| adj.有知觉的，知悉的；adv.有感觉能力地 | |
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67
tremor
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| n.震动，颤动，战栗，兴奋，地震 | |
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68
standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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brotherhood
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| n.兄弟般的关系，手中情谊 | |
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70
throbbed
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| 抽痛( throb的过去式和过去分词 )； （心脏、脉搏等）跳动 | |
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curiously
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| adv.有求知欲地；好问地；奇特地 | |
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inscription
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| n.（尤指石块上的）刻印文字，铭文，碑文 | |
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73
pertinacious
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| adj.顽固的 | |
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fixedly
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| adv.固定地；不屈地，坚定不移地 | |
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eloquent
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| adj.雄辩的，口才流利的；明白显示出的 | |
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exalted
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| adj.(地位等)高的，崇高的；尊贵的，高尚的 | |
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grandeur
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| n.伟大，崇高，宏伟，庄严，豪华 | |
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magnetism
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| n.磁性，吸引力，磁学 | |
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79
nay
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| adv.不；n.反对票，投反对票者 | |
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80
everlastingness
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81
scoffed
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| 嘲笑，嘲弄( scoff的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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craves
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| 渴望，热望( crave的第三人称单数 )； 恳求，请求 | |
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83
immortal
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| adj.不朽的；永生的，不死的；神的 | |
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84
utterance
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| n.用言语表达，话语，言语 | |
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85
awed
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| adj.充满敬畏的，表示敬畏的v.使敬畏，使惊惧( awe的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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86
bent
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| n.爱好，癖好；adj.弯的；决心的，一心的 | |
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87
ecstasy
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| n.狂喜，心醉神怡，入迷 | |
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passionate
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| adj.热情的，热烈的，激昂的，易动情的，易怒的，性情暴躁的 | |
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recoiled
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| v.畏缩( recoil的过去式和过去分词 )；退缩；报应；返回 | |
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victorious
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| adj.胜利的，得胜的 | |
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witchcraft
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| n.魔法，巫术 | |
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veins
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| n.纹理；矿脉( vein的名词复数 )；静脉；叶脉；纹理 | |
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alabaster
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| adj.雪白的；n.雪花石膏；条纹大理石 | |
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rapture
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| n.狂喜；全神贯注；着迷；v.使狂喜 | |
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scattered
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| adj.分散的，稀疏的；散步的；疏疏落落的 | |
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behold
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| v.看，注视，看到 | |
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marvel
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| vi.(at)惊叹vt.感到惊异；n.令人惊异的事 | |
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smitten
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| 猛打，重击，打击( smite的过去分词 ) | |
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joyfully
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| adv. 喜悦地, 高兴地 | |
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100
repent
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| v.悔悟，悔改，忏悔，后悔 | |
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101
repentance
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| n.懊悔 | |
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102
infinitely
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| adv.无限地，无穷地 | |
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103
forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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104
fiery
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| adj.燃烧着的，火红的；暴躁的；激烈的 | |
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105
woe
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| n.悲哀，苦痛，不幸，困难；int.用来表达悲伤或惊慌 | |
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famished
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| adj.饥饿的 | |
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107
misery
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| n.痛苦，苦恼，苦难；悲惨的境遇，贫苦 | |
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monstrous
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| adj.巨大的；恐怖的；可耻的，丢脸的 | |
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109
desolate
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| adj.荒凉的，荒芜的；孤独的，凄凉的；v.使荒芜，使孤寂 | |
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frail
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| adj.身体虚弱的；易损坏的 | |
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111
caressed
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| 爱抚或抚摸…( caress的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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grudged
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| 怀恨（grudge的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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113
perplexed
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| adj.不知所措的 | |
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114
possessed
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| adj.疯狂的；拥有的，占有的 | |
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115
iota
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| n.些微，一点儿 | |
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116
wilful
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| adj.任性的，故意的 | |
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117
wilfully
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| adv.任性固执地；蓄意地 | |
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118
miserable
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| adj.悲惨的，痛苦的；可怜的，糟糕的 | |
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119
trespass
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| n./v.侵犯，闯入私人领地 | |
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120
trespasses
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| 罪过( trespass的名词复数 )； 非法进入 | |
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121
erring
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| 做错事的，错误的 | |
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122
defiance
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| n.挑战，挑衅，蔑视，违抗 | |
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123
assailed
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| v.攻击( assail的过去式和过去分词 )；困扰；质问；毅然应对 | |
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124
scrutiny
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| n.详细检查，仔细观察 | |
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125
supreme
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| adj.极度的，最重要的；至高的，最高的 | |
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126
infinity
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| n.无限，无穷，大量 | |
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127
withheld
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| withhold过去式及过去分词 | |
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