Her first thought was: "He's going too in a few hours--Ineedn't see him again before he leaves..." At that momentthe possibility of having to look in Darrow's face and hearhim speak seemed to her more unendurable than anything elseshe could imagine. Then, on the next wave of feeling, camethe desire to confront him at once and wring1 from him sheknew not what: avowal2, denial, justification3, anything thatshould open some channel of escape to the flood of her pent-up anguish4.
She had told Owen she was tired, and this seemed asufficient reason for remaining upstairs when the motor cameto the door and Miss Painter and Sophy Viner were borne offin it; sufficient also for sending word to Madame deChantelle that she would not come down till after luncheon5.
Having despatched her maid with this message, she lay downon her sofa and stared before her into darkness...
She had been unhappy before, and the vision of old miseriesflocked like hungry ghosts about her fresh pain: sherecalled her youthful disappointment, the failure of hermarriage, the wasted years that followed; but those werenegative sorrows, denials and postponements of life. Sheseemed in no way related to their shadowy victim, she whowas stretched on this fiery6 rack of the irreparable. Shehad suffered before--yes, but lucidly7, reflectively,elegiacally: now she was suffering as a hurt animal must,blindly, furiously, with the single fierce animal longingthat the awful pain should stop...
She heard her maid knock, and she hid her face and made noanswer. The knocking continued, and the discipline of habitat length made her lift her head, compose her face and holdout her hand to the note the woman brought her. It was aword from Darrow--"May I see you?"--and she said at once, ina voice that sounded thin and empty: "Ask Mr. Darrow to comeup."The maid enquired9 if she wished to have her hair smoothedfirst, and she answered that it didn't matter; but when thedoor had closed, the instinct of pride drew her to her feetand she looked at herself in the glass above the mantelpieceand passed her hands over her hair. Her eyes were burningand her face looked tired and thinner; otherwise she couldsee no change in her appearance, and she wondered that atsuch a moment her body should seem as unrelated to the selfthat writhed10 within her as if it had been a statue or apicture.
The maid reopened the door to show in Darrow, and he pauseda moment on the threshold, as if waiting for Anna to speak.
He was extremely pale, but he looked neither ashamed noruncertain, and she said to herself, with a perverse11 thrillof appreciation12: "He's as proud as I am."Aloud she asked: "You wanted to see me?""Naturally," he replied in a grave voice.
"Don't! It's useless. I know everything. Nothing you cansay will help."At the direct affirmation he turned even paler, and hiseyes, which he kept resolutely14 fixed15 on her, confessed hismisery.
"You allow me no voice in deciding that?""Deciding what?""That there's nothing more to be said?" He waited for her toanswer, and then went on: "I don't even know what you meanby 'everything'.""Oh, I don't know what more there is! I know enough. Iimplored her to deny it, and she couldn't...What can you andI have to say to each other?" Her voice broke into a sob17.
The animal anguish was upon her again--just a blind cryagainst her pain!
Darrow kept his head high and his eyes steady. "It must beas you wish; and yet it's not like you to be afraid.""Afraid?""To talk things out--to face them.""It's for YOU to face this--not me!""All I ask is to face it--but with you." Once more hepaused. "Won't you tell me what Miss Viner told you?""Oh, she's generous--to the utmost!" The pain caught herlike a physical throe. It suddenly came to her how the girlmust have loved him to be so generous--what memories theremust be between them!
"Oh, go, please go. It's too horrible. Why should I haveto see you?" she stammered18, lifting her hands to her eyes.
With her face hidden she waited to hear him move away, tohear the door open and close again, as, a few hours earlier,it had opened and closed on Sophy Viner. But Darrow made nosound or movement: he too was waiting. Anna felt a thrillof resentment20: his presence was an outrage21 on her sorrow, ahumiliation to her pride. It was strange that he shouldwait for her to tell him so!
"You want me to leave Givre?" he asked at length. She madeno answer, and he went on: "Of course I'll do as you wish;but if I go now am I not to see you again?"His voice was firm: his pride was answering her pride!
She faltered22: "You must see it's useless----""I might remind you that you're dismissing me without ahearing----""Without a hearing? I've heard you both!"----"but I won't," he continued, "remind you of that, or ofanything or any one but Owen.""Owen?""Yes; if we could somehow spare him----"She had dropped her hands and turned her startled eyes onhim. It seemed to her an age since she had thought of Owen!
"You see, don't you," Darrow continued, "that if you send meaway now----"She interrupted: "Yes, I see----" and there was a longsilence between them. At length she said, very low: "Idon't want any one else to suffer as I'm suffering...""Owen knows I meant to leave tomorrow," Darrow went on. "Anysudden change of plan may make him think..."Oh, she saw his inevitable23 logic24: the horror of it was onevery side of her! It had seemed possible to control hergrief and face Darrow calmly while she was upheld by thebelief that this was their last hour together, that after hehad passed out of the room there would be no fear of seeinghim again, no fear that his nearness, his look, his voice,and all the unseen influences that flowed from him, woulddissolve her soul to weakness. But her courage failed at theidea of having to conspire25 with him to shield Owen, ofkeeping up with him, for Owen's sake, a feint of union andfelicity. To live at Darrow's side in seeming intimacy26 andharmony for another twenty-four hours seemed harder than tolive without him for all the rest of her days. Her strengthfailed her, and she threw herself down and buried her sobsin the cushions where she had so often hidden a face aglowwith happiness.
"Anna----" His voice was close to her. "Let me talk to youquietly. It's not worthy27 of either of us to be afraid."Words of endearment28 would have offended her; but her heartrose at the call to her courage.
"I've no defense29 to make," he went on. "The facts aremiserable enough; but at least I want you to see them asthey are. Above all, I want you to know the truth aboutMiss Viner----"The name sent the blood to Anna's forehead. She raised herhead and faced him. "Why should I know more of her thanwhat she's told me? I never wish to hear her name again!""It's because you feel about her in that way that I ask you--in the name of common charity--to let me give you the factsas they are, and not as you've probably imagined them.""I've told you I don't think uncharitably of her. I don'twant to think of her at all!""That's why I tell you you're afraid.""Afraid?""Yes. You've always said you wanted, above all, to look atlife, at the human problem, as it is, without fear andwithout hypocrisy30; and it's not always a pleasant thing tolook at." He broke off, and then began again: "Don't thinkthis a plea for myself! I don't want to say a word to lessenmy offense31. I don't want to talk of myself at all. Even ifI did, I probably couldn't make you understand--I don't,myself, as I look back. Be just to me--it's your right; allI ask you is to be generous to Miss Viner..."She stood up trembling. "You're free to be as generous toher as you please!""Yes: you've made it clear to me that I'm free. But there'snothing I can do for her that will help her half as much asyour understanding her would.""Nothing you can do for her? You can marry her!"His face hardened. "You certainly couldn't wish her a worsefate!""It must have been what she expected...relied on..."He wassilent, and she broke out: "Or what is she? What are you?
It's too horrible! On your way here...to ME..." She feltthe tears in her throat and stopped.
"That was it," he said bluntly. She stared at him.
"I was on my way to you--after repeated delays andpostponements of your own making. At the very last youturned me back with a mere19 word--and without explanation. Iwaited for a letter; and none came. I'm not saying this tojustify myself. I'm simply trying to make you understand.
I felt hurt and bitter and bewildered. I thought you meantto give me up. And suddenly, in my way, I found some one tobe sorry for, to be of use to. That, I swear to you, wasthe way it began. The rest was a moment's folly32...a flashof madness...as such things are. We've never seen eachother since..."Anna was looking at him coldly. "You sufficiently33 describeher in saying that!""Yes, if you measure her by conventional standards--which iswhat you always declare you never do.""Conventional standards? A girl who----" She was checked bya sudden rush of almost physical repugnance34. Suddenly shebroke out: "I always thought her an adventuress!""Always?""I don't mean always...but after you came...""She's not an adventuress.""You mean that she professes35 to act on the new theories? Thestuff that awful women rave13 about on platforms?""Oh, I don't think she pretended to have a theory----""She hadn't even that excuse?""She had the excuse of her loneliness, her unhappiness--ofmiseries and humiliations that a woman like you can't evenguess. She had nothing to look back to but indifference36 orunkindness--nothing to look forward to but anxiety. She sawI was sorry for her and it touched her. She made too muchof it--she exaggerated it. I ought to have seen the danger,but I didn't. There's no possible excuse for what I did."Anna listened to him in speechless misery16. Every word hespoke threw back a disintegrating38 light on their own past.
He had come to her with an open face and a clear conscience--come to her from this! If his security was the security offalsehood it was horrible; if it meant that he hadforgotten, it was worse. She would have liked to stop herears, to close her eyes, to shut out every sight and soundand suggestion of a world in which such things could be; andat the same time she was tormented39 by the desire to knowmore, to understand better, to feel herself less ignorantand inexpert in matters which made so much of the stuff ofhuman experience. What did he mean by "a moment's folly, aflash of madness"? How did people enter on such adventures,how pass out of them without more visible traces of theirhavoc? Her imagination recoiled42 from the vision of a suddendebasing familiarity: it seemed to her that her thoughtswould never again be pure...
"I swear to you," she heard Darrow saying, "it was simplythat, and nothing more."She wondered at his composure, his competence43, at hisknowing so exactly what to say. No doubt men often had tomake such explanations: they had the formulas by heart...Aleaden lassitude descended44 on her. She passed from flameand torment40 into a colourless cold world where everythingsurrounding her seemed equally indifferent and remote. Fora moment she simply ceased to feel.
She became aware that Darrow was waiting for her to speak,and she made an effort to represent to herself the meaningof what he had just said; but her mind was as blank as ablurred mirror. Finally she brought out: "I don't think Iunderstand what you've told me.""No; you don't understand," he returned with suddenbitterness; and on his lips the charge of incomprehensionseemed an offense to her.
"I don't want to--about such things!"He answered almost harshly: "Don't be afraid...you neverwill..." and for an instant they faced each other likeenemies. Then the tears swelled45 in her throat at hisreproach.
"You mean I don't feel things--I'm too hard?""No: you're too high...too fine...such things are too farfrom you."He paused, as if conscious of the futility46 of going on withwhatever he had meant to say, and again, for a short space,they confronted each other, no longer as enemies--so itseemed to her--but as beings of different language who hadforgotten the few words they had learned of each other'sspeech.
Darrow broke the silence. "It's best, on all accounts, thatI should stay till tomorrow; but I needn't intrude47 on you;we needn't meet again alone. I only want to be sure I knowyour wishes." He spoke37 the short sentences in a level voice,as though he were summing up the results of a businessconference.
Anna looked at him vaguely48. "My wishes?""As to Owen----At that she started. "They must never meet again!""It's not likely they will. What I meant was, that itdepends on you to spare him..."She answered steadily49: "He shall never know," and afteranother interval50 Darrow said: "This is good-bye, then."At the word she seemed to understand for the first timewhither the flying moments had been leading them. Resentmentand indignation died down, and all her consciousnessresolved itself into the mere visual sense that he was therebefore her, near enough for her to lift her hand and touchhim, and that in another instant the place where he stoodwould be empty.
She felt a mortal weakness, a craven impulse to cry out tohim to stay, a longing8 to throw herself into his arms, andtake refuge there from the unendurable anguish he had causedher. Then the vision called up another thought: "I shallnever know what that girl has known..." and the recoil41 ofpride flung her back on the sharp edges of her anguish.
"Good-bye," she said, in dread51 lest he should read her face;and she stood motionless, her head high, while he walked tothe door and went out.
收听单词发音 |
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wring
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| n.扭绞；v.拧，绞出，扭 | |
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avowal
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| n.公开宣称，坦白承认 | |
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justification
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| n.正当的理由；辩解的理由 | |
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anguish
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| n.(尤指心灵上的)极度痛苦，烦恼 | |
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luncheon
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| n.午宴，午餐，便宴 | |
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fiery
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| adj.燃烧着的，火红的；暴躁的；激烈的 | |
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lucidly
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| adv.清透地，透明地 | |
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longing
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| n.（for）渴望 | |
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enquired
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| 打听( enquire的过去式和过去分词 )； 询问； 问问题； 查问 | |
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writhed
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| （因极度痛苦而）扭动或翻滚( writhe的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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perverse
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| adj.刚愎的；坚持错误的，行为反常的 | |
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appreciation
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| n.评价；欣赏；感谢；领会，理解；价格上涨 | |
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rave
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| vi.胡言乱语；热衷谈论；n.热情赞扬 | |
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resolutely
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| adj.坚决地，果断地 | |
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fixed
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| adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的 | |
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misery
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| n.痛苦，苦恼，苦难；悲惨的境遇，贫苦 | |
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sob
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| n.空间轨道的轰炸机；呜咽，哭泣 | |
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stammered
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| v.结巴地说出( stammer的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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mere
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| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
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resentment
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| n.怨愤，忿恨 | |
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outrage
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| n.暴行，侮辱，愤怒；vt.凌辱，激怒 | |
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faltered
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| （嗓音）颤抖( falter的过去式和过去分词 )； 支吾其词； 蹒跚； 摇晃 | |
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inevitable
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| adj.不可避免的，必然发生的 | |
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logic
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| n.逻辑(学)；逻辑性 | |
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conspire
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| v.密谋，（事件等）巧合，共同导致 | |
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intimacy
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| n.熟悉，亲密，密切关系，亲昵的言行 | |
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worthy
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| adj.(of)值得的，配得上的；有价值的 | |
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endearment
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| n.表示亲爱的行为 | |
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defense
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| n.防御，保卫；[pl.]防务工事；辩护，答辩 | |
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hypocrisy
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| n.伪善，虚伪 | |
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offense
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| n.犯规，违法行为；冒犯，得罪 | |
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folly
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| n.愚笨，愚蠢，蠢事，蠢行，傻话 | |
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sufficiently
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| adv.足够地，充分地 | |
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repugnance
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| n.嫌恶 | |
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professes
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| 声称( profess的第三人称单数 )； 宣称； 公开表明； 信奉 | |
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indifference
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| n.不感兴趣，不关心，冷淡，不在乎 | |
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spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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38
disintegrating
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| v.（使）破裂[分裂，粉碎]，（使）崩溃( disintegrate的现在分词 ) | |
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tormented
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| 饱受折磨的 | |
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torment
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| n.折磨；令人痛苦的东西(人)；vt.折磨；纠缠 | |
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recoil
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| vi.退却，退缩，畏缩 | |
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recoiled
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| v.畏缩( recoil的过去式和过去分词 )；退缩；报应；返回 | |
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competence
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| n.能力，胜任，称职 | |
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descended
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| a.为...后裔的，出身于...的 | |
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45
swelled
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| 增强( swell的过去式和过去分词 )； 肿胀； （使）凸出； 充满（激情） | |
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futility
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| n.无用 | |
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intrude
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| vi.闯入；侵入；打扰，侵扰 | |
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vaguely
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| adv.含糊地，暖昧地 | |
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steadily
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| adv.稳定地；不变地；持续地 | |
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50
interval
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| n.间隔，间距；幕间休息，中场休息 | |
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dread
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| vt.担忧，忧虑；惧怕，不敢；n.担忧，畏惧 | |
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