Two days subsequent to this conversation, Mr. Falkland ordered me to be called to him. [I shall continue to speak in my narrative1 of the silent, as well as the articulate part of the intercourse2 between us. His countenance3 was habitually4 animated5 and expressive6, much beyond that of any other man I have seen. The curiosity which, as I have said, constituted my ruling passion, stimulated7 me to make it my perpetual study. It will also most probably happen, while I am thus employed in collecting the scattered8 incidents of my history, that I shall upon some occasions annex9 to appearances an explanation which I was far from possessing at the time, and was only suggested to me through the medium of subsequent events.]
When I entered the apartment, I remarked in Mr. Falkland’s countenance an unwonted composure. This composure however did not seem to result from internal ease, but from an effort which, while he prepared himself for an interesting scene, was exerted to prevent his presence of mind, and power of voluntary action, from suffering any diminution10.
“Williams,” said he, “I am determined11, whatever it may cost me, to have an explanation with you. You are a rash and inconsiderate boy, and have given me much disturbance12. You ought to have known that, though I allow you to talk with me upon indifferent subjects, it is very improper13 in you to lead the conversation to any thing that relates to my personal concerns. You have said many things lately in a very mysterious way, and appear to know something more than I am aware of. I am equally at a loss to guess how you came by your knowledge, as of what it consists. But I think I perceive too much inclination14 on your part to trifle with my peace of mind. That ought not to be, nor have I deserved any such treatment from you. But, be that as it will, the guesses in which you oblige me to employ myself are too painful. It is a sort of sporting with my feelings, which, as a man of resolution, I am determined to bring to an end. I expect you therefore to lay aside all mystery and equivocation15, and inform me explicitly16 what it is upon which your allusions17 are built. What is it you know? What is it you want? I have been too much exposed already to unparalleled mortification18 and hardship, and my wounds will not bear this perpetual tampering19.”
“I feel, sir,” answered I, “how wrong I have been, and am ashamed that such a one as I should have given you all this trouble and displeasure. I felt it at the time; but I have been hurried along, I do not know how. I have always tried to stop myself, but the demon20 that possessed21 me was too strong for me. I know nothing, sir, but what Mr. Collins told me. He told me the story of Mr. Tyrrel and Miss Melville and Hawkins. I am sure, sir, he said nothing but what was to your honour, and proved you to be more an angel than a man.”
“Well, sir: I found a letter written by that Hawkins the other day; did not that letter fall into your hands? Did not you read it?”
“For God’s sake, sir, turn me out of your house. Punish me in some way or other, that I may forgive myself. I am a foolish, wicked, despicable wretch22. I confess, sir, I did read the letter.”
“And how dared you read it? It was indeed very wrong of you. But we will talk of that by and by. Well, and what did you say to the letter? You know it seems, that Hawkins was hanged.”
“I say, sir? why it went to my heart to read it. I say, as I said the day before yesterday, that when I see a man of so much principle afterwards deliberately23 proceeding24 to the very worst of crimes, I can scarcely bear to think of it.”
“That is what you say? It seems too you know — accursed remembrance!— that I was accused of this crime?”
I was silent.
“Well, sir. You know too, perhaps, that from the hour the crime was committed — yes, sir, that was the date [and as he said this, there was somewhat frightful25, I had almost said diabolical26, in his countenance]— I have not had an hour’s peace; I became changed from the happiest to the most miserable27 thing that lives; sleep has fled from my eyes; joy has been a stranger to my thoughts; and annihilation I should prefer a thousand times to the being that I am. As soon as I was capable of a choice, I chose honour and the esteem28 of mankind as a good I preferred to all others. You know, it seems, in how many ways my ambition has been disappointed,— I do not thank Collins for having been the historian of my disgrace,— would to God that night could be blotted29 from the memory of man!— But the scene of that night, instead of perishing, has been a source of ever new calamity30 to me, which must flow for ever! Am I then, thus miserable and ruined, a proper subject upon which for you to exercise your ingenuity31, and improve your power of tormenting32? Was it not enough that I was publicly dishonoured34? that I was deprived, by the pestilential influence of some demon, of the opportunity of avenging35 my dishonour33? No: in addition to this, I have been charged with having in this critical moment intercepted36 my own vengeance37 by the foulest38 of crimes. That trial is past. Misery39 itself has nothing worse in store for me, except what you have inflicted40: the seeming to doubt of my innocence41, which, after the fullest and most solemn examination, has been completely established. You have forced me to this explanation. You have extorted42 from me a confidence which I had no inclination to make. But it is a part of the misery of my situation, that I am at the mercy of every creature, however little, who feels himself inclined to sport with my distress43. Be content. You have brought me low enough.”
“Oh, sir, I am not content; I cannot be content! I cannot bear to think what I have done. I shall never again be able to look in the face of the best of masters and the best of men. I beg of you, sir, to turn me out of your service. Let me go and hide myself where I may never see you more.”
Mr. Falkland’s countenance had indicated great severity through the whole of this conversation; but now it became more harsh and tempestuous44 than ever. “How now, rascal45!” cried he. “You want to leave me, do you? Who told you that I wished to part with you? But you cannot bear to live with such a miserable wretch as I am! You are not disposed to put up with the caprices of a man so dissatisfied and unjust!”
“Oh, sir! do not talk to me thus! Do with me any thing you will. Kill me if you please.”
“Kill you!” [Volumes could not describe the emotions with which this echo of my words was given and received.]
“Sir, I could die to serve you! I love you more than I can express. I worship you as a being of a superior nature. I am foolish, raw, inexperienced,— worse than any of these;— but never did a thought of disloyalty to your service enter into my heart.”
Here our conversation ended; and the impression it made upon my youthful mind it is impossible to describe. I thought with astonishment46, even with rapture47, of the attention and kindness towards me I discovered in Mr. Falkland, through all the roughness of his manner. I could never enough wonder at finding myself, humble48 as I was by my birth, obscure as I had hitherto been, thus suddenly become of so much importance to the happiness of one of the most enlightened and accomplished49 men in England. But this consciousness attached me to my patron more eagerly than ever, and made me swear a thousand times, as I meditated50 upon my situation, that I would never prove unworthy of so generous a protector.
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narrative
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| n.叙述，故事；adj.叙事的，故事体的 | |
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intercourse
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| n.性交；交流，交往，交际 | |
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countenance
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| n.脸色，面容；面部表情；vt.支持，赞同 | |
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habitually
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| ad.习惯地，通常地 | |
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animated
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| adj.生气勃勃的，活跃的，愉快的 | |
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expressive
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| adj.表现的，表达…的，富于表情的 | |
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stimulated
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| a.刺激的 | |
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scattered
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| adj.分散的，稀疏的；散步的；疏疏落落的 | |
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annex
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| vt.兼并，吞并；n.附属建筑物 | |
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diminution
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| n.减少；变小 | |
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determined
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| adj.坚定的；有决心的 | |
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disturbance
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| n.动乱，骚动；打扰，干扰；(身心)失调 | |
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improper
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| adj.不适当的，不合适的，不正确的，不合礼仪的 | |
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inclination
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| n.倾斜；点头；弯腰；斜坡；倾度；倾向；爱好 | |
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equivocation
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| n.模棱两可的话，含糊话 | |
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explicitly
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| ad.明确地，显然地 | |
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allusions
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| 暗指，间接提到( allusion的名词复数 ) | |
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mortification
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| n.耻辱，屈辱 | |
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tampering
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| v.窜改( tamper的现在分词 )；篡改；（用不正当手段）影响；瞎摆弄 | |
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demon
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| n.魔鬼，恶魔 | |
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possessed
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| adj.疯狂的；拥有的，占有的 | |
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wretch
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| n.可怜的人，不幸的人；卑鄙的人 | |
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deliberately
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| adv.审慎地；蓄意地；故意地 | |
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proceeding
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| n.行动，进行，(pl.)会议录，学报 | |
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frightful
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| adj.可怕的；讨厌的 | |
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diabolical
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| adj.恶魔似的，凶暴的 | |
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miserable
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| adj.悲惨的，痛苦的；可怜的，糟糕的 | |
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esteem
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| n.尊敬，尊重；vt.尊重，敬重；把…看作 | |
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blotted
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| 涂污( blot的过去式和过去分词 )； （用吸墨纸）吸干 | |
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calamity
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| n.灾害，祸患，不幸事件 | |
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ingenuity
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| n.别出心裁；善于发明创造 | |
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tormenting
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| 使痛苦的，使苦恼的 | |
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dishonour
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| n./vt.拒付（支票、汇票、票据等）；vt.凌辱，使丢脸；n.不名誉，耻辱，不光彩 | |
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34
dishonoured
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| a.不光彩的，不名誉的 | |
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35
avenging
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| adj.报仇的，复仇的v.为…复仇，报…之仇( avenge的现在分词 )；为…报复 | |
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intercepted
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| 拦截( intercept的过去式和过去分词 )； 截住； 截击； 拦阻 | |
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vengeance
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| n.报复，报仇，复仇 | |
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foulest
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| adj.恶劣的( foul的最高级 )；邪恶的；难闻的；下流的 | |
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misery
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| n.痛苦，苦恼，苦难；悲惨的境遇，贫苦 | |
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inflicted
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| 把…强加给，使承受，遭受( inflict的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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innocence
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| n.无罪；天真；无害 | |
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42
extorted
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| v.敲诈( extort的过去式和过去分词 )；曲解 | |
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distress
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| n.苦恼，痛苦，不舒适；不幸；vt.使悲痛 | |
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tempestuous
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| adj.狂暴的 | |
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45
rascal
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| n.流氓；不诚实的人 | |
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astonishment
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| n.惊奇，惊异 | |
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rapture
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| n.狂喜；全神贯注；着迷；v.使狂喜 | |
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48
humble
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| adj.谦卑的，恭顺的；地位低下的；v.降低，贬低 | |
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49
accomplished
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| adj.有才艺的；有造诣的；达到了的 | |
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50
meditated
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| 深思，沉思，冥想( meditate的过去式和过去分词 )； 内心策划，考虑 | |
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