“He gave her a questioning glance. On her face the expression of anguish4 and ennui changed, it seemed to me, when she looked at him, into an expression of anxiety for HIM. For a moment I stood in the doorway5, holding the dagger6 hidden behind my back. Suddenly he smiled, and in a voice that was indifferent almost to the point of ridicule7, he said:
“‘We were having some music.’
“‘I did not expect —,’ she began at the same time, chiming in with the tone of the other.
“But neither he nor she finished their remarks. The same rage that I had felt the previous week took possession of me. I felt the need of giving free course to my violence and ‘the joy of wrath8.’
“No, they did not finish. That other thing was going to begin, of which he was afraid, and was going to annihilate9 what they wanted to say. I threw myself upon her, still hiding the dagger, that he might not prevent me from striking where I desired, in her bosom10, under the breast. At that moment he saw . . . and, what I did not expect on his part, he quickly seized my hand, and cried:
“‘Come to your senses! What are you doing? Help! Help!’
“I tore my hands from his grasp, and leaped upon him. I must have been very terrible, for he turned as white as a sheet, to his lips. His eyes scintillated11 singularly, and — again what I did not expect of him — he scrambled12 under the piano, toward the other room. I tried to follow him, but a very heavy weight fell upon my left arm. It was she.
“I made an effort to clear myself. She clung more heavily than ever, refusing to let go. This unexpected obstacle, this burden, and this repugnant touch only irritated me the more. I perceived that I was completely mad, that I must be frightful13, and I was glad of it. With a sudden impulse, and with all my strength, I dealt her, with my left elbow, a blow squarely in the face.
“She uttered a cry and let go my arm. I wanted to follow the other, but I felt that it would be ridiculous to pursue in my stockings the lover of my wife, and I did not wish to be grotesque14, I wished to be terrible. In spite of my extreme rage, I was all the time conscious of the impression that I was making upon others, and even this impression partially15 guided me.
“I turned toward her. She had fallen on the long easy chair, and, covering her face at the spot where I had struck her, she looked at me. Her features exhibited fear and hatred16 toward me, her enemy, such as the rat exhibits when one lifts the rat-trap. At least, I saw nothing in her but that fear and hatred, the fear and hatred which love for another had provoked. Perhaps I still should have restrained myself, and should not have gone to the last extremity17, if she had maintained silence. But suddenly she began to speak; she grasped my hand that held the dagger.
“‘Come to your senses! What are you doing? What is the matter with you? Nothing has happened, nothing, nothing! I swear it to you!’
“I might have delayed longer, but these last words, from which I inferred the contrary of what they affirmed,— that is, that EVERYTHING had happened,— these words called for a reply. And the reply must correspond to the condition into which I had lashed18 myself, and which was increasing and must continue to increase. Rage has its laws.
“‘Do not lie, wretch19. Do not lie!’ I roared.
“With my left hand I seized her hands. She disengaged herself. Then, without dropping my dagger, I seized her by the throat, forced her to the floor, and began to strangle her. With her two hands she clutched mine, tearing them from her throat, stifling20. Then I struck her a blow with the dagger, in the left side, between the lower ribs21.
“When people say that they do not remember what they do in a fit of fury, they talk nonsense. It is false. I remember everything.
I did not lose my consciousness for a single moment. The more I lashed myself to fury, the clearer my mind became, and I could not help seeing what I did. I cannot say that I knew in advance what I would do, but at the moment when I acted, and it seems to me even a little before, I knew what I was doing, as if to make it possible to repent22, and to be able to say later that I could have stopped.
“I knew that I struck the blow between the ribs, and that the dagger entered.
“At the second when I did it, I knew that I was performing a horrible act, such as I had never performed,— an act that would have frightful consequences. My thought was as quick as lightning, and the deed followed immediately. The act, to my inner sense, had an extraordinary clearness. I perceived the resistance of the corset and then something else, and then the sinking of the knife into a soft substance. She clutched at the dagger with her hands, and cut herself with it, but could not restrain the blow.
“Long afterward23, in prison when the moral revolution had been effected within me, I thought of that minute, I remembered it as far as I could, and I co-ordinated all the sudden changes. I remembered the terrible consciousness which I felt,— that I was killing24 a wife, MY wife.
“I well remember the horror of that consciousness and I know vaguely25 that, having plunged26 in the dagger, I drew it out again immediately, wishing to repair and arrest my action. She straightened up and cried:
“‘Nurse, he has killed me!’
“The old nurse, who had heard the noise, was standing27 in the doorway. I was still erect28, waiting, and not believing myself in what had happened. But at that moment, from under her corset, the blood gushed29 forth30. Then only did I understand that all reparation was impossible, and promptly31 I decided32 that it was not even necessary, that all had happened in accordance with my wish, and that I had fulfilled my desire. I waited until she fell, and until the nurse, exclaiming, ‘Oh, my God!’ ran to her; then only I threw away the dagger and went out of the room.
“‘I must not be agitated33. I must be conscious of what I am doing,’ I said to myself, looking neither at her nor at the old nurse. The latter cried and called the maid. I passed through the hall, and, after having sent the maid, started for my study.
“‘What shall I do now?’ I asked myself.
“And immediately I understood what I should do. Directly after entering the study, I went straight to the wall, took down the revolver, and examined it attentively34. It was loaded. Then I placed it on the table. Next I picked up the sheath of the dagger, which had dropped down behind the sofa, and then I sat down. I remained thus for a long time. I thought of nothing, I did not try to remember anything. I heard a stifled35 noise of steps, a movement of objects and of tapestries36, then the arrival of a person, and then the arrival of another person. Then I saw Gregor bring into my room the baggage from the railway; as if any one needed it!
“‘Have you heard what has happened?’ I asked him. ‘Have you told the dvornik to inform the police?’
“He made no answer, and went out. I rose, closed the door, took the cigarettes and the matches, and began to smoke. I had not finished one cigarette, when a drowsy37 feeling came over me and sent me into a deep sleep. I surely slept two hours. I remember having dreamed that I was on good terms with her, that after a quarrel we were in the act of making up, that something prevented us, but that we were friends all the same.
“A knock at the door awoke me.
“‘It is the police,’ thought I, as I opened my eyes. ‘I have killed, I believe. But perhaps it is SHE; perhaps nothing has happened.’
“Another knock. I did not answer. I was solving the question: ‘Has it happened or not? Yes, it has happened.’
“I remembered the resistance of the corset, and then. . . . ‘Yes, it has happened. Yes, it has happened. Yes, now I must execute myself,’ said I to myself.
“I said it, but I knew well that I should not kill myself. Nevertheless, I rose and took the revolver, but, strange thing, I remembered that formerly38 I had very often had suicidal ideas, that that very night, on the cars, it had seemed to me easy, especially easy because I thought how it would stupefy her. Now I not only could not kill myself, but I could not even think of it.
“‘Why do it?’ I asked myself, without answering.
“Another knock at the door.
“‘Yes, but I must first know who is knocking. I have time enough.’
“I put the revolver back on the table, and hid it under my newspaper. I went to the door and drew back the bolt.
“It was my wife’s sister,— a good and stupid widow.
“‘Basile, what does this mean?’ said she, and her tears, always ready, began to flow.
“‘What do you want?’ I asked roughly.
“I saw clearly that there was no necessity of being rough with her, but I could not speak in any other tone.
“‘Basile, she is dying. Ivan Fedorowitch says so.’
“Ivan Fedorowitch was the doctor, HER doctor, her counsellor.
“‘Is he here?’ I inquired.
“And all my hatred of her arose anew.
“Well, what?
“‘Basile, go to her! Ah! how terrible it is!’ said she.
“‘Go to her?’ I asked myself; and immediately I made answer to myself that I ought to go, that probably that was the thing that is usually done when a husband like myself kills his wife, that it was absolutely necessary that I should go and see her.
“‘If that is the proper thing, I must go,’ I repeated to myself. ‘Yes, if it is necessary, I shall still have time,’ said I to myself, thinking of my intention of blowing my brains out.
“And I followed my sister-in-law. ‘Now there are going to be phrases and grimaces39, but I will not yield,’ I declared to myself.
“‘Wait,’ said I to my sister-in-law, ‘it is stupid to be without boots. Let me at least put on my slippers40.’
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1
awakened
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| v.（使）醒( awaken的过去式和过去分词 )；（使）觉醒；弄醒；（使）意识到 | |
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2
ennui
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| n.怠倦，无聊 | |
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3
disturbance
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| n.动乱，骚动；打扰，干扰；(身心)失调 | |
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4
anguish
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| n.(尤指心灵上的)极度痛苦，烦恼 | |
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doorway
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| n.门口，(喻)入门；门路，途径 | |
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dagger
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| n.匕首，短剑，剑号 | |
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ridicule
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| v.讥讽，挖苦；n.嘲弄 | |
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8
wrath
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| n.愤怒，愤慨，暴怒 | |
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9
annihilate
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| v.使无效；毁灭；取消 | |
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10
bosom
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| n.胸，胸部；胸怀；内心；adj.亲密的 | |
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11
scintillated
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| v.（言谈举止中）焕发才智( scintillate的过去式和过去分词 )；谈笑洒脱；闪耀；闪烁 | |
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12
scrambled
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| v.快速爬行( scramble的过去式和过去分词 )；攀登；争夺；（军事飞机）紧急起飞 | |
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13
frightful
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| adj.可怕的；讨厌的 | |
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14
grotesque
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| adj.怪诞的，丑陋的；n.怪诞的图案，怪人（物） | |
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15
partially
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| adv.部分地，从某些方面讲 | |
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16
hatred
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| n.憎恶，憎恨，仇恨 | |
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extremity
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| n.末端，尽头；尽力；终极；极度 | |
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18
lashed
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| adj.具睫毛的v.鞭打( lash的过去式和过去分词 )；煽动；紧系；怒斥 | |
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19
wretch
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| n.可怜的人，不幸的人；卑鄙的人 | |
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stifling
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| a.令人窒息的 | |
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21
ribs
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| n.肋骨( rib的名词复数 )；（船或屋顶等的）肋拱；肋骨状的东西；（织物的）凸条花纹 | |
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22
repent
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| v.悔悟，悔改，忏悔，后悔 | |
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afterward
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| adv.后来；以后 | |
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killing
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| n.巨额利润；突然赚大钱，发大财 | |
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vaguely
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| adv.含糊地，暖昧地 | |
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plunged
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| v.颠簸( plunge的过去式和过去分词 )；暴跌；骤降；突降 | |
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27
standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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28
erect
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| n./v.树立，建立，使竖立；adj.直立的，垂直的 | |
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29
gushed
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| v.喷，涌( gush的过去式和过去分词 )；滔滔不绝地说话 | |
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30
forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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promptly
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| adv.及时地，敏捷地 | |
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32
decided
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| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
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agitated
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| adj.被鼓动的，不安的 | |
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attentively
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| adv.聚精会神地；周到地；谛；凝神 | |
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35
stifled
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| （使）窒息， （使）窒闷( stifle的过去式和过去分词 )； 镇压，遏制； 堵 | |
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36
tapestries
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| n.挂毯( tapestry的名词复数 )；绣帷，织锦v.用挂毯（或绣帷）装饰( tapestry的第三人称单数 ) | |
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37
drowsy
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| adj.昏昏欲睡的，令人发困的 | |
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38
formerly
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| adv.从前，以前 | |
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39
grimaces
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| n.（表蔑视、厌恶等）面部扭曲，鬼脸( grimace的名词复数 )v.扮鬼相，做鬼脸( grimace的第三人称单数 ) | |
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40
slippers
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| n. 拖鞋 | |
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