I kept at it for weeks. It is harder than you think to keep yourself in the future, especially when my sister waswalking around at the time being her usual pain-in-the-butt self. My way of dealing5 with this was to pretendKate was already haunting me. When I stopped talking to her, she figured she’d done something wrong,which she probably had, anyway. There were entire days where I did nothing but cry; others where I felt likeI’d swallowed a lead plate; some more where I worked really hard at going through the motions of gettingdressed and making my bed and studying my vocab words because it was easier than doing anything else.
But then, there were times when I let the veil lift a little, and other ideas would pop up. Like what it would belike to study oceanography at the University of Hawaii. Or try skydiving. Or move to Prague. Or any of amillion other pipe dreams. I’d try to stuff myself into one of these scenarios6, but it was like wearing a sizefive sneaker when your foot is a seven—you can get by for a few steps, and then you sit down and pull offthe shoe because it just plain hurts too much. I am convinced that there is a censor7 sitting on my brain with ared stamp, reminding me what I am not supposed to even think about, no matter how seductive it might be.
It’s probably a good thing. I have a feeling that if I really try to figure out who I am without Kate in theequation, I’m not going to like who I see.
My parents and I are sitting together at a table in the hospital cafeteria, although I use the word togetherloosely. It’s more like we’re astronauts, each wearing a separate helmet, each sustained by our own privatesource of air. My mother has the little rectangular container of sugar packets in front of her. She is organizingthem with ruthlessness, the Equal and then the Sweet ’n Low and then the nubbly brown natural crystals. Shelooks up at me. “Honey.”
Why are terms of endearment8 always foods? Honey, cookie, sugar, pumpkin9. It’s not like caring aboutsomeone is enough to actually sustain you.
“I understand what you’re trying to do here,” my mother continues. “And I agree that maybe your father andI need to listen to you a little bit more. But Anna, we don’t need a judge to help us do this.”
My heart is a soft sponge at the base of my throat. “You mean it’s okay to stop?”
When she smiles, it feels like the first warm day of March—after an eternity10 of snow, when you suddenlyremember how summer feels on the backs of your bare calves11 and in the part of your hair. “That’s exactlywhat I mean,” my mother says.
No more blood draws. No granulocytes or lymphocytes or stem cells or kidney. “If you want, I’ll tell Kate,” Ioffer. “So you don’t have to.”
“That’s all right. Once Judge DeSalvo knows, we can pretend it never happened.”
In the back of my mind, a hammer trips. “But…won’t Kate ask why I’m not her donor12 anymore?”
My mother goes very still. “When I said stop, I meant the lawsuit13.”
I shake my head hard, as much to give her an answer as to dislodge the knot of words tangled14 in my gut15.
“My God, Anna,” my mother says, stunned16. “What have we done to you to deserve this?”
“It’s not what you’ve done to me.”
“It’s what we haven’t done, right?”
“You aren’t listening to me!” I yell, and at that very moment, Vern Stackhouse walks up to our table.
The deputy looks from me to my mother to my father and forces a smile. “Guess this isn’t the best time tointerrupt,” he says. “I’m real sorry about this, Sara. Brian.” He hands my mother an envelope, nods, andwalks off.
She pulls out the paper inside and reads it, then turns to me. “What did you say to him?” she demands.
“To who?”
My father picks up the notice. It is full of legal language, which might as well be Greek. “What’s this?”
“A motion for a temporary restraining order.” She grabs it from my father. “Do you realize you’re asking tohave me kicked out of the house, and to have no contact with you? Is that really what you want?”
Kick her out? I can’t breathe. “I never asked for that.”
“Well, an attorney wouldn’t have filed it on his own behalf, Anna.”
Do you know how sometimes—when you are riding your bike and you start skidding17 across sand, or whenyou miss a step and start tumbling down the stairs—you have those long, long seconds to know that you aregoing to be hurt, and badly? “I don’t know what’s going on,” I say.
“Then how can you think you’re qualified18 to make decisions for yourself?” My mother stands so abruptly19 herchair clatters20 to the cafeteria floor. “If this is what you want, Anna, we can start right now.” Her voice, it’sthick and rough as rope the moment before she leaves me.
spaceAbout three months ago, I borrowed Kate’s makeup21. Okay, so borrowed wouldn’t be the right word, exactly:
stole. I didn’t have any of my own; I wasn’t supposed to be allowed to wear it until I turned fifteen. But amiracle had happened, and Kate wasn’t around to ask, and desperate times call for desperate measures.
The miracle was five-eight, with hair the color of Silver Queen corn silk and a smile that made me feel likeI’d been spinning in circles. His name was Kyle and he’d moved from Idaho, right into the homeroom seatbehind mine. He didn’t know anything about me or my family, so when he asked me if I wanted to go to amovie with him I knew it wasn’t because he felt sorry for me. We saw the new Spider-Man movie, or at leasthe did. I spent all my time trying to figure out how electricity could leap the tiny space between my arm andhis.
When I came home, I still was walking about six inches above the ground, which is why Kate was able toblindside me. She knocked me onto my bed, pinned me by my shoulders. “You thief,” she accused. “Youwent into my bathroom drawer without asking.”
“You take my things all the time. You borrowed my blue sweatshirt two days ago.”
“That’s totally different. You can wash a sweatshirt.”
“How come it’s okay to have my germs floating around your arteries22, but not on your freaking Max FactorCherry Bomb lip gloss23?” I shoved a little harder, and managed to roll us, so that now I had the upper hand.
Her eyes lit up. “Who was it?”
“What are you talking about?”
“If you’re wearing makeup, Anna, there must have been a reason.”
“Get lost,” I said.
“Fuck off.” Kate smiled at me. Then she reached one free hand under my arm and tickled24 me, taking me bysurprise so much that I let go of her. A minute later we had wrestled25 off the bed, each of us trying to get theother to cry uncle. “Anna, stop already,” Kate gasped26. “You’re killing27 me.”
Those words, they were all it took. My hands fell off her as if I’d been burned. We lay shoulder to shoulderbetween our beds, staring up at the ceiling and breathing hard, both of us pretending that what she’d said hadnot cut quite so close to the bone.
In the car, my parents fight. Maybe we should hire a real lawyer, my father says, and my mother replies, I amone.
But Sara, my father says, if this isn’t going to go away, all I’m saying is—What are you saying, Brian? she challenges. What are you really saying? That some man in a suit whomyou’ve never met would be able to explain Anna better than her own mother? And then my father drives therest of the way in silence.
To my shock, there are TV cameras waiting on the steps of the Garrahy building. I’m sure they’re here forsomething really big, so imagine my surprise when a microphone gets stuck into my face, and a reporter withhelmet hair asks me why I am suing my parents. My mother pushes the woman away. “My daughter has nocomment,” she says, over and over; and when one guy asks if I’m aware that I am Rhode Island’s firstdesigner baby, I think for a minute she might actually deck him.
I’ve known since I was seven how I was conceived, and it wasn’t that huge a deal. First off, my parents toldme when the thought of them having sex was far more disgusting than the thought of creation in a petri dish.
Second, by then tons of people were having fertility drugs and septuplets and my story wasn’t really all thatoriginal anymore. But a designer baby? Yeah, right. If my parents were going to go to all that trouble, you’dthink they’d have made sure to implant28 the genes29 for obedience30, humility31, and gratitude32.
My father sits next to me on a bench, his hands knotted between his knees. Inside the judge’s chambers33, mymother and Campbell Alexander are verbally slugging it out. Here in the hallway, we’re unnaturally34 quiet, asif they’ve taken all possible words with them and left us with nothing.
I hear a woman curse, and then Julia rounds the bend. “Anna. Sorry I’m late; I couldn’t get past the media.
Are you all right?”
I nod, and then I shake my head.
Julia kneels down in front of me. “Do you want your mother to leave the house?”
“No!” To my utter embarrassment35, my eyes get glassy with tears. “I’ve changed my mind. I don’t want to dothis anymore. None of it.”
She looks at me for a long moment, then nods. “Let me go in and talk to the judge.”
When she leaves, I concentrate on getting air into my lungs. There are so many things I have to work hard atnow, that I used to be able to carry out instinctively—draw in oxygen, keep my silence, do the right thing.
The weight of my father’s eyes on me makes me turn. “Did you mean it?” he asks. “About not wanting to dothis anymore?”
I don’t answer. I don’t move a fraction of an inch.
“Because if you’re still not sure, maybe it’s not such a bad idea, having some breathing space. I mean, I’vegot that extra bed in my room at the station.” He rubs the back of his neck. “It wouldn’t be like we weremoving out, or anything. Just…” He looks at me.
“…breathing,” I finish, and do just that.
My father stands up and holds out his hand. We walk out of the Garrahy Complex, side by side. The reporterscome on like wolves, but this time, their questions bounce right off me. My chest feels full of glitter andhelium, the way it used to when I was little and riding my father’s shoulders at twilight36, when I knew that if Iheld up my hands and spread my fingers like a net, I could catch the coming stars.
点击收听单词发音
1 bout | |
n.侵袭,发作;一次(阵,回);拳击等比赛 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
2 insomnia | |
n.失眠,失眠症 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
3 decided | |
adj.决定了的,坚决的;明显的,明确的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
4 vowed | |
起誓,发誓(vow的过去式与过去分词形式) | |
参考例句: |
|
|
5 dealing | |
n.经商方法,待人态度 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
6 scenarios | |
n.[意]情节;剧本;事态;脚本 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
7 censor | |
n./vt.审查,审查员;删改 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
8 endearment | |
n.表示亲爱的行为 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
9 pumpkin | |
n.南瓜 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
10 eternity | |
n.不朽,来世;永恒,无穷 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
11 calves | |
n.(calf的复数)笨拙的男子,腓;腿肚子( calf的名词复数 );牛犊;腓;小腿肚v.生小牛( calve的第三人称单数 );(冰川)崩解;生(小牛等),产(犊);使(冰川)崩解 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
12 donor | |
n.捐献者;赠送人;(组织、器官等的)供体 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
13 lawsuit | |
n.诉讼,控诉 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
14 tangled | |
adj. 纠缠的,紊乱的 动词tangle的过去式和过去分词 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
15 gut | |
n.[pl.]胆量;内脏;adj.本能的;vt.取出内脏 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
16 stunned | |
adj. 震惊的,惊讶的 动词stun的过去式和过去分词 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
17 skidding | |
n.曳出,集材v.(通常指车辆) 侧滑( skid的现在分词 );打滑;滑行;(住在)贫民区 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
18 qualified | |
adj.合格的,有资格的,胜任的,有限制的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
19 abruptly | |
adv.突然地,出其不意地 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
20 clatters | |
盘碟刀叉等相撞击时的声音( clatter的名词复数 ) | |
参考例句: |
|
|
21 makeup | |
n.组织;性格;化装品 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
22 arteries | |
n.动脉( artery的名词复数 );干线,要道 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
23 gloss | |
n.光泽,光滑;虚饰;注释;vt.加光泽于;掩饰 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
24 tickled | |
(使)发痒( tickle的过去式和过去分词 ); (使)愉快,逗乐 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
25 wrestled | |
v.(与某人)搏斗( wrestle的过去式和过去分词 );扭成一团;扭打;(与…)摔跤 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
26 gasped | |
v.喘气( gasp的过去式和过去分词 );喘息;倒抽气;很想要 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
27 killing | |
n.巨额利润;突然赚大钱,发大财 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
28 implant | |
vt.注入,植入,灌输 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
29 genes | |
n.基因( gene的名词复数 ) | |
参考例句: |
|
|
30 obedience | |
n.服从,顺从 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
31 humility | |
n.谦逊,谦恭 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
32 gratitude | |
adj.感激,感谢 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
33 chambers | |
n.房间( chamber的名词复数 );(议会的)议院;卧室;会议厅 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
34 unnaturally | |
adv.违反习俗地;不自然地;勉强地;不近人情地 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
35 embarrassment | |
n.尴尬;使人为难的人(事物);障碍;窘迫 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
36 twilight | |
n.暮光,黄昏;暮年,晚期,衰落时期 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
欢迎访问英文小说网 |