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Anna
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IF YOU LISTEN TO ENOUGH INFOMERCIALS you start to believe some crazy things: that Brazilian honey canbe used as leg wax, that knives can cut metal, that the power of positive thinking can work like a pair ofwings to get you where you need to be. Thanks to a little bout1 of insomnia2 and way too many doses of TonyRobbins, I decided3 one day to force myself into imagining what it would be like after Kate died. That way, orso Tony vowed4, when it really happened, I’d be ready.

I kept at it for weeks. It is harder than you think to keep yourself in the future, especially when my sister waswalking around at the time being her usual pain-in-the-butt self. My way of dealing5 with this was to pretendKate was already haunting me. When I stopped talking to her, she figured she’d done something wrong,which she probably had, anyway. There were entire days where I did nothing but cry; others where I felt likeI’d swallowed a lead plate; some more where I worked really hard at going through the motions of gettingdressed and making my bed and studying my vocab words because it was easier than doing anything else.

But then, there were times when I let the veil lift a little, and other ideas would pop up. Like what it would belike to study oceanography at the University of Hawaii. Or try skydiving. Or move to Prague. Or any of amillion other pipe dreams. I’d try to stuff myself into one of these scenarios6, but it was like wearing a sizefive sneaker when your foot is a seven—you can get by for a few steps, and then you sit down and pull offthe shoe because it just plain hurts too much. I am convinced that there is a censor7 sitting on my brain with ared stamp, reminding me what I am not supposed to even think about, no matter how seductive it might be.

It’s probably a good thing. I have a feeling that if I really try to figure out who I am without Kate in theequation, I’m not going to like who I see.

My parents and I are sitting together at a table in the hospital cafeteria, although I use the word togetherloosely. It’s more like we’re astronauts, each wearing a separate helmet, each sustained by our own privatesource of air. My mother has the little rectangular container of sugar packets in front of her. She is organizingthem with ruthlessness, the Equal and then the Sweet ’n Low and then the nubbly brown natural crystals. Shelooks up at me. “Honey.”

Why are terms of endearment8 always foods? Honey, cookie, sugar, pumpkin9. It’s not like caring aboutsomeone is enough to actually sustain you.

“I understand what you’re trying to do here,” my mother continues. “And I agree that maybe your father andI need to listen to you a little bit more. But Anna, we don’t need a judge to help us do this.”

My heart is a soft sponge at the base of my throat. “You mean it’s okay to stop?”

When she smiles, it feels like the first warm day of March—after an eternity10 of snow, when you suddenlyremember how summer feels on the backs of your bare calves11 and in the part of your hair. “That’s exactlywhat I mean,” my mother says.

No more blood draws. No granulocytes or lymphocytes or stem cells or kidney. “If you want, I’ll tell Kate,” Ioffer. “So you don’t have to.”

“That’s all right. Once Judge DeSalvo knows, we can pretend it never happened.”

In the back of my mind, a hammer trips. “But…won’t Kate ask why I’m not her donor12 anymore?”

My mother goes very still. “When I said stop, I meant the lawsuit13.”

I shake my head hard, as much to give her an answer as to dislodge the knot of words tangled14 in my gut15.

“My God, Anna,” my mother says, stunned16. “What have we done to you to deserve this?”

“It’s not what you’ve done to me.”

“It’s what we haven’t done, right?”

“You aren’t listening to me!” I yell, and at that very moment, Vern Stackhouse walks up to our table.

The deputy looks from me to my mother to my father and forces a smile. “Guess this isn’t the best time tointerrupt,” he says. “I’m real sorry about this, Sara. Brian.” He hands my mother an envelope, nods, andwalks off.

She pulls out the paper inside and reads it, then turns to me. “What did you say to him?” she demands.

“To who?”

My father picks up the notice. It is full of legal language, which might as well be Greek. “What’s this?”

“A motion for a temporary restraining order.” She grabs it from my father. “Do you realize you’re asking tohave me kicked out of the house, and to have no contact with you? Is that really what you want?”

Kick her out? I can’t breathe. “I never asked for that.”

“Well, an attorney wouldn’t have filed it on his own behalf, Anna.”

Do you know how sometimes—when you are riding your bike and you start skidding17 across sand, or whenyou miss a step and start tumbling down the stairs—you have those long, long seconds to know that you aregoing to be hurt, and badly? “I don’t know what’s going on,” I say.

“Then how can you think you’re qualified18 to make decisions for yourself?” My mother stands so abruptly19 herchair clatters20 to the cafeteria floor. “If this is what you want, Anna, we can start right now.” Her voice, it’sthick and rough as rope the moment before she leaves me.

spaceAbout three months ago, I borrowed Kate’s makeup21. Okay, so borrowed wouldn’t be the right word, exactly:

stole. I didn’t have any of my own; I wasn’t supposed to be allowed to wear it until I turned fifteen. But amiracle had happened, and Kate wasn’t around to ask, and desperate times call for desperate measures.

The miracle was five-eight, with hair the color of Silver Queen corn silk and a smile that made me feel likeI’d been spinning in circles. His name was Kyle and he’d moved from Idaho, right into the homeroom seatbehind mine. He didn’t know anything about me or my family, so when he asked me if I wanted to go to amovie with him I knew it wasn’t because he felt sorry for me. We saw the new Spider-Man movie, or at leasthe did. I spent all my time trying to figure out how electricity could leap the tiny space between my arm andhis.

When I came home, I still was walking about six inches above the ground, which is why Kate was able toblindside me. She knocked me onto my bed, pinned me by my shoulders. “You thief,” she accused. “Youwent into my bathroom drawer without asking.”

“You take my things all the time. You borrowed my blue sweatshirt two days ago.”

“That’s totally different. You can wash a sweatshirt.”

“How come it’s okay to have my germs floating around your arteries22, but not on your freaking Max FactorCherry Bomb lip gloss23?” I shoved a little harder, and managed to roll us, so that now I had the upper hand.

Her eyes lit up. “Who was it?”

“What are you talking about?”

“If you’re wearing makeup, Anna, there must have been a reason.”

“Get lost,” I said.

“Fuck off.” Kate smiled at me. Then she reached one free hand under my arm and tickled24 me, taking me bysurprise so much that I let go of her. A minute later we had wrestled25 off the bed, each of us trying to get theother to cry uncle. “Anna, stop already,” Kate gasped26. “You’re killing27 me.”

Those words, they were all it took. My hands fell off her as if I’d been burned. We lay shoulder to shoulderbetween our beds, staring up at the ceiling and breathing hard, both of us pretending that what she’d said hadnot cut quite so close to the bone.

In the car, my parents fight. Maybe we should hire a real lawyer, my father says, and my mother replies, I amone.

But Sara, my father says, if this isn’t going to go away, all I’m saying is—What are you saying, Brian? she challenges. What are you really saying? That some man in a suit whomyou’ve never met would be able to explain Anna better than her own mother? And then my father drives therest of the way in silence.

To my shock, there are TV cameras waiting on the steps of the Garrahy building. I’m sure they’re here forsomething really big, so imagine my surprise when a microphone gets stuck into my face, and a reporter withhelmet hair asks me why I am suing my parents. My mother pushes the woman away. “My daughter has nocomment,” she says, over and over; and when one guy asks if I’m aware that I am Rhode Island’s firstdesigner baby, I think for a minute she might actually deck him.

I’ve known since I was seven how I was conceived, and it wasn’t that huge a deal. First off, my parents toldme when the thought of them having sex was far more disgusting than the thought of creation in a petri dish.

Second, by then tons of people were having fertility drugs and septuplets and my story wasn’t really all thatoriginal anymore. But a designer baby? Yeah, right. If my parents were going to go to all that trouble, you’dthink they’d have made sure to implant28 the genes29 for obedience30, humility31, and gratitude32.

My father sits next to me on a bench, his hands knotted between his knees. Inside the judge’s chambers33, mymother and Campbell Alexander are verbally slugging it out. Here in the hallway, we’re unnaturally34 quiet, asif they’ve taken all possible words with them and left us with nothing.

I hear a woman curse, and then Julia rounds the bend. “Anna. Sorry I’m late; I couldn’t get past the media.

Are you all right?”

I nod, and then I shake my head.

Julia kneels down in front of me. “Do you want your mother to leave the house?”

“No!” To my utter embarrassment35, my eyes get glassy with tears. “I’ve changed my mind. I don’t want to dothis anymore. None of it.”

She looks at me for a long moment, then nods. “Let me go in and talk to the judge.”

When she leaves, I concentrate on getting air into my lungs. There are so many things I have to work hard atnow, that I used to be able to carry out instinctively—draw in oxygen, keep my silence, do the right thing.

The weight of my father’s eyes on me makes me turn. “Did you mean it?” he asks. “About not wanting to dothis anymore?”

I don’t answer. I don’t move a fraction of an inch.

“Because if you’re still not sure, maybe it’s not such a bad idea, having some breathing space. I mean, I’vegot that extra bed in my room at the station.” He rubs the back of his neck. “It wouldn’t be like we weremoving out, or anything. Just…” He looks at me.

“…breathing,” I finish, and do just that.

My father stands up and holds out his hand. We walk out of the Garrahy Complex, side by side. The reporterscome on like wolves, but this time, their questions bounce right off me. My chest feels full of glitter andhelium, the way it used to when I was little and riding my father’s shoulders at twilight36, when I knew that if Iheld up my hands and spread my fingers like a net, I could catch the coming stars.

点击收听单词发音收听单词发音  

1 bout Asbzz     
n.侵袭,发作;一次(阵,回);拳击等比赛
参考例句:
  • I was suffering with a bout of nerves.我感到一阵紧张。
  • That bout of pneumonia enfeebled her.那次肺炎的发作使她虚弱了。
2 insomnia EbFzK     
n.失眠,失眠症
参考例句:
  • Worries and tenseness can lead to insomnia.忧虑和紧张会导致失眠。
  • He is suffering from insomnia.他患失眠症。
3 decided lvqzZd     
adj.决定了的,坚决的;明显的,明确的
参考例句:
  • This gave them a decided advantage over their opponents.这使他们比对手具有明显的优势。
  • There is a decided difference between British and Chinese way of greeting.英国人和中国人打招呼的方式有很明显的区别。
4 vowed 6996270667378281d2f9ee561353c089     
起誓,发誓(vow的过去式与过去分词形式)
参考例句:
  • He vowed quite solemnly that he would carry out his promise. 他非常庄严地发誓要实现他的诺言。
  • I vowed to do more of the cooking myself. 我发誓自己要多动手做饭。
5 dealing NvjzWP     
n.经商方法,待人态度
参考例句:
  • This store has an excellent reputation for fair dealing.该商店因买卖公道而享有极高的声誉。
  • His fair dealing earned our confidence.他的诚实的行为获得我们的信任。
6 scenarios f7c7eeee199dc0ef47fe322cc223be88     
n.[意]情节;剧本;事态;脚本
参考例句:
  • Further, graphite cores may be safer than non-graphite cores under some accident scenarios. 再者,根据一些事故解说,石墨堆芯可比非石墨堆芯更安全一些。 来自英汉非文学 - 环境法 - 环境法
  • Again, scenarios should make it clear which modes are acceptable to users in various contexts. 同样,我们可以运用场景剧本来搞清楚在不同情境下哪些模式可被用户接受。 来自About Face 3交互设计精髓
7 censor GrDz7     
n./vt.审查,审查员;删改
参考例句:
  • The film has not been viewed by the censor.这部影片还未经审查人员审查。
  • The play was banned by the censor.该剧本被查禁了。
8 endearment tpmxH     
n.表示亲爱的行为
参考例句:
  • This endearment indicated the highest degree of delight in the old cooper.这个称呼是老箍桶匠快乐到了极点的表示。
  • To every endearment and attention he continued listless.对于每一种亲爱的表示和每一种的照顾,他一直漫不在意。
9 pumpkin NtKy8     
n.南瓜
参考例句:
  • They ate turkey and pumpkin pie.他们吃了火鸡和南瓜馅饼。
  • It looks like there is a person looking out of the pumpkin!看起来就像南瓜里有人在看着你!
10 eternity Aiwz7     
n.不朽,来世;永恒,无穷
参考例句:
  • The dull play seemed to last an eternity.这场乏味的剧似乎演个没完没了。
  • Finally,Ying Tai and Shan Bo could be together for all of eternity.英台和山伯终能双宿双飞,永世相随。
11 calves bb808da8ca944ebdbd9f1d2688237b0b     
n.(calf的复数)笨拙的男子,腓;腿肚子( calf的名词复数 );牛犊;腓;小腿肚v.生小牛( calve的第三人称单数 );(冰川)崩解;生(小牛等),产(犊);使(冰川)崩解
参考例句:
  • a cow suckling her calves 给小牛吃奶的母牛
  • The calves are grazed intensively during their first season. 小牛在生长的第一季里集中喂养。 来自《简明英汉词典》
12 donor dstxI     
n.捐献者;赠送人;(组织、器官等的)供体
参考例句:
  • In these cases,the recipient usually takes care of the donor afterwards.在这类情况下,接受捐献者以后通常会照顾捐赠者。
  • The Doctor transplanted the donor's heart to Mike's chest cavity.医生将捐赠者的心脏移植进麦克的胸腔。
13 lawsuit A14xy     
n.诉讼,控诉
参考例句:
  • They threatened him with a lawsuit.他们以诉讼威逼他。
  • He was perpetually involving himself in this long lawsuit.他使自己无休止地卷入这场长时间的诉讼。
14 tangled e487ee1bc1477d6c2828d91e94c01c6e     
adj. 纠缠的,紊乱的 动词tangle的过去式和过去分词
参考例句:
  • Your hair's so tangled that I can't comb it. 你的头发太乱了,我梳不动。
  • A movement caught his eye in the tangled undergrowth. 乱灌木丛里的晃动引起了他的注意。
15 gut MezzP     
n.[pl.]胆量;内脏;adj.本能的;vt.取出内脏
参考例句:
  • It is not always necessary to gut the fish prior to freezing.冷冻鱼之前并不总是需要先把内脏掏空。
  • My immediate gut feeling was to refuse.我本能的直接反应是拒绝。
16 stunned 735ec6d53723be15b1737edd89183ec2     
adj. 震惊的,惊讶的 动词stun的过去式和过去分词
参考例句:
  • The fall stunned me for a moment. 那一下摔得我昏迷了片刻。
  • The leaders of the Kopper Company were then stunned speechless. 科伯公司的领导们当时被惊得目瞪口呆。
17 skidding 55f6e4e45ac9f4df8de84c8a09e4fdc3     
n.曳出,集材v.(通常指车辆) 侧滑( skid的现在分词 );打滑;滑行;(住在)贫民区
参考例句:
  • All the wheels of the truck were tied up with iron chains to avoid skidding on the ice road. 大卡车的所有轮子上都捆上了铁链,以防止在结冰的路面上打滑。 来自《用法词典》
  • I saw the motorcycle skidding and its rider spilling in dust. 我看到摩托车打滑,骑车人跌落在地。 来自互联网
18 qualified DCPyj     
adj.合格的,有资格的,胜任的,有限制的
参考例句:
  • He is qualified as a complete man of letters.他有资格当真正的文学家。
  • We must note that we still lack qualified specialists.我们必须看到我们还缺乏有资质的专家。
19 abruptly iINyJ     
adv.突然地,出其不意地
参考例句:
  • He gestured abruptly for Virginia to get in the car.他粗鲁地示意弗吉尼亚上车。
  • I was abruptly notified that a half-hour speech was expected of me.我突然被通知要讲半个小时的话。
20 clatters 8a9ca0f0598ca49fc02fdd909c27a84a     
盘碟刀叉等相撞击时的声音( clatter的名词复数 )
参考例句:
  • I thought, 'Aye aye, hit it before he comes and clatters me. 我想,'埃赞成,击出他来之前和clatters我。
21 makeup 4AXxO     
n.组织;性格;化装品
参考例句:
  • Those who failed the exam take a makeup exam.这次考试不及格的人必须参加补考。
  • Do you think her beauty could makeup for her stupidity?你认为她的美丽能弥补她的愚蠢吗?
22 arteries 821b60db0d5e4edc87fdf5fc263ba3f5     
n.动脉( artery的名词复数 );干线,要道
参考例句:
  • Even grafting new blood vessels in place of the diseased coronary arteries has been tried. 甚至移植新血管代替不健康的冠状动脉的方法都已经试过。 来自《简明英汉词典》
  • This is the place where the three main arteries of West London traffic met. 这就是伦敦西部三条主要交通干线的交汇处。 来自《简明英汉词典》
23 gloss gloss     
n.光泽,光滑;虚饰;注释;vt.加光泽于;掩饰
参考例句:
  • John tried in vain to gloss over his faults.约翰极力想掩饰自己的缺点,但是没有用。
  • She rubbed up the silver plates to a high gloss.她把银盘擦得很亮。
24 tickled 2db1470d48948f1aa50b3cf234843b26     
(使)发痒( tickle的过去式和过去分词 ); (使)愉快,逗乐
参考例句:
  • We were tickled pink to see our friends on television. 在电视中看到我们的一些朋友,我们高兴极了。
  • I tickled the baby's feet and made her laugh. 我胳肢孩子的脚,使她发笑。
25 wrestled c9ba15a0ecfd0f23f9150f9c8be3b994     
v.(与某人)搏斗( wrestle的过去式和过去分词 );扭成一团;扭打;(与…)摔跤
参考例句:
  • As a boy he had boxed and wrestled. 他小的时候又是打拳又是摔跤。
  • Armed guards wrestled with the intruder. 武装警卫和闯入者扭打起来。 来自《简明英汉词典》
26 gasped e6af294d8a7477229d6749fa9e8f5b80     
v.喘气( gasp的过去式和过去分词 );喘息;倒抽气;很想要
参考例句:
  • She gasped at the wonderful view. 如此美景使她惊讶得屏住了呼吸。
  • People gasped with admiration at the superb skill of the gymnasts. 体操运动员的高超技艺令人赞叹。 来自《现代汉英综合大词典》
27 killing kpBziQ     
n.巨额利润;突然赚大钱,发大财
参考例句:
  • Investors are set to make a killing from the sell-off.投资者准备清仓以便大赚一笔。
  • Last week my brother made a killing on Wall Street.上个周我兄弟在华尔街赚了一大笔。
28 implant YaBxT     
vt.注入,植入,灌输
参考例句:
  • A good teacher should implant high ideals in children.好教师应该把高尚理想灌输给孩子们。
  • The operation to implant the artificial heart took two hours.人工心脏植入手术花费了两小时。
29 genes 01914f8eac35d7e14afa065217edd8c0     
n.基因( gene的名词复数 )
参考例句:
  • You have good genes from your parents, so you should live a long time. 你从父母那儿获得优良的基因,所以能够活得很长。 来自《简明英汉词典》
  • Differences will help to reveal the functions of the genes. 它们间的差异将会帮助我们揭开基因多种功能。 来自英汉非文学 - 生命科学 - 生物技术的世纪
30 obedience 8vryb     
n.服从,顺从
参考例句:
  • Society has a right to expect obedience of the law.社会有权要求人人遵守法律。
  • Soldiers act in obedience to the orders of their superior officers.士兵们遵照上级军官的命令行动。
31 humility 8d6zX     
n.谦逊,谦恭
参考例句:
  • Humility often gains more than pride.谦逊往往比骄傲收益更多。
  • His voice was still soft and filled with specious humility.他的声音还是那么温和,甚至有点谦卑。
32 gratitude p6wyS     
adj.感激,感谢
参考例句:
  • I have expressed the depth of my gratitude to him.我向他表示了深切的谢意。
  • She could not help her tears of gratitude rolling down her face.她感激的泪珠禁不住沿着面颊流了下来。
33 chambers c053984cd45eab1984d2c4776373c4fe     
n.房间( chamber的名词复数 );(议会的)议院;卧室;会议厅
参考例句:
  • The body will be removed into one of the cold storage chambers. 尸体将被移到一个冷冻间里。 来自《简明英汉词典》
  • Mr Chambers's readable book concentrates on the middle passage: the time Ransome spent in Russia. Chambers先生的这本值得一看的书重点在中间:Ransome在俄国的那几年。 来自互联网
34 unnaturally 3ftzAP     
adv.违反习俗地;不自然地;勉强地;不近人情地
参考例句:
  • Her voice sounded unnaturally loud. 她的嗓音很响亮,但是有点反常。 来自《简明英汉词典》
  • Her eyes were unnaturally bright. 她的眼睛亮得不自然。 来自《简明英汉词典》
35 embarrassment fj9z8     
n.尴尬;使人为难的人(事物);障碍;窘迫
参考例句:
  • She could have died away with embarrassment.她窘迫得要死。
  • Coughing at a concert can be a real embarrassment.在音乐会上咳嗽真会使人难堪。
36 twilight gKizf     
n.暮光,黄昏;暮年,晚期,衰落时期
参考例句:
  • Twilight merged into darkness.夕阳的光辉融于黑暗中。
  • Twilight was sweet with the smell of lilac and freshly turned earth.薄暮充满紫丁香和新翻耕的泥土的香味。


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