Jesse

THE SUMMER I WAS FOURTEEN my parents sent me to boot camp on a farm. It was one of those action-adventures for troubled kids, you know, get up at four A.M. to do the milking and how much trouble can youreally get into? (The answer, if you’re interested: score pot off the ranch¹ hands. Get stoned. Tip cows.)Anyway, one day I was assigned to Moses Patrol, or that’s what we called the poor son of a bitch who pulledherding duty with the lambs. I had to follow about a hundred sheep around a pasture that didn’t have onegoddamned tree to provide even a sliver² of shade.

To say a sheep is the dumbest fucking animal on earth is probably an understatement. They get caught infences. They get lost in four-foot-square pens. They forget where to find their food, although it’s been in thesame place for a thousand days straight. And they’re not the little puffy darlings you picture when you go tosleep, either. They stink³. They bleat⁴. They’re annoying as hell.

Anyway, the day I was stuck with the sheep, I had filched⁵ a copy of Tropic of Cancer and I was folding downthe pages that came closest to good porn, when I heard someone scream. I was perfectly⁶ sure, mind you, thatit wasn’t an animal, because I’d never heard anything like this in my life. I ran toward the sound, sure I wasgoing to find someone thrown from a horse with their leg twisted like a pretzel or some yoho who’d emptiedhis revolver by accident into his own guts⁷. But lying on the side of the creek⁸, with a bevy⁹ of ewes inattendance, was a sheep giving birth.

I wasn’t a vet¹⁰ or anything, but I knew enough to realize that when any living creature makes a racket likethat, things aren’t going according to plan. Sure enough, this poor sheep had two little hooves dangling¹¹ out ofher privates. She lay on her side, panting. She rolled one flat black eye toward me, then just gave up.

Well, nothing was dying on my patrol, if only because I knew that the Nazis¹² who ran the camp would makeme bury the damn animal. So I shoved the other sheep out of the way. I got down on my knees and grabbedthe knotty¹³ slick hooves and yanked while the ewe screamed like any mother whose child is ripped away fromher.

The lamb came out, its limbs folded like the parts of a Swiss Army knife. Over its head was a silver sac thatfelt like the inside of your cheek when you run your tongue around it. It wasn’t breathing.

I sure as shit wasn’t going to put my mouth over a sheep and do artificial respiration¹⁴, but I used myfingernails to rip apart the skin sac, to yank it down from the neck of the lamb. And it turned out, that was allit needed. A minute later it unbent its clothespin legs and started whickering for its mother.

There were, I think, twenty lambs born during that summer session. Every time I passed the pen I could pickmine out from a crowd. He looked like all the others, except that he moved with a little more spring; healways seemed to have the sun shining off the oil in its wool. And if you happened to get him calm enough tolook you in the eye, the pupils had gone milky¹⁵ white, a sure sign that he’d walked on the other side longenough to remember what he was missing.

I tell you this now because when Kate finally stirs in that hospital bed, and opens her eyes, I know she’s gotone foot on the other side already, too.

“Oh my God,” Kate says weakly, when she sees me. “I wound up in Hell after all.”

I lean forward in my chair and cross my arms. “Now, sis, you know I’m not that easy to kill.” Getting up, Ikiss her on the forehead, letting my lips stay an extra second. How is it that mothers can read fever that way?

I can only read imminent¹⁶ loss. “How you doing?”

She smiles at me, but it’s like a cartoon drawing when I’ve seen the real thing hanging in the Louvre.

“Peachy,” she says. “To what do I owe the honor of your presence?”

Because you won’t be here much longer, I think, but I do not tell her this. “I was in the neighborhood. Plusthere’s a really hot nurse who works this shift.”

This makes Kate laugh out loud. “God, Jess. I’m gonna miss you.”

She says it so easily that I think it surprises both of us. I sit down on the edge of the bed and trace the littlepuckers in the thermal¹⁷ blanket. “You know—” I begin a pep talk, but she puts her hand on my arm.

“Don’t.” Then her eyes come alive, for just a moment. “Maybe I’ll get reincarnated¹⁸.”

“Like as Marie Antoinette?”

“No, it’s got to be something in the future. You think that’s crazy?”

“No,” I admit. “I think we probably all just keep running in circles.”

“So what will you come back as, then?”

“Carrion.” She winces¹⁹, and something beeps, and I panic. “You want me to get someone?”

“No, you’re fine,” Kate answers, and I’m sure she doesn’t mean it this way, but it pretty much makes me feellike I’ve swallowed lightning.

I suddenly remember an old game I used to play when I was nine or ten, and was allowed to ride my bikeuntil it got dark. I used to make little bets with myself as I watched the sun getting lower and lower on thehorizon: if I hold my breath to twenty seconds, the night won’t come. If I don’t blink. If I stand so still a flylands on my cheek. Now, I find myself doing the same thing, bargaining to keep Kate, even though that isn’tthe way it works.

“Are you afraid?” I blurt²⁰ out. “Of dying?”

Kate turns to me, a smile sliding over her mouth. “I’ll let you know.” Then she closes her eyes. “I’m justgonna rest a second,” she manages, and she is asleep again.

It’s not fair, but Kate knows that. It doesn’t take a whole long life to realize that what we deserve to have, werarely get. I stand up, with that lightning bolt branding the lining²¹ of my throat, which makes it impossible toswallow, so everything gets backed up like a dammed river. I hurry out of Kate’s room and far enough downthe hall where I won’t disturb her, and then I lift my fist and punch a hole in the thick white wall and still thisisn’t enough.

1 ranch   

n.大牧场，大农场

参考例句：

• He went to work on a ranch.他去一个大农场干活。
• The ranch is in the middle of a large plateau.该牧场位于一个辽阔高原的中部。

2 sliver   

n.裂片，细片，梳毛；v.纵切，切成长片，剖开

参考例句：

• There was only one sliver of light in the darkness.黑暗中只有一点零星的光亮。
• Then,one night,Monica saw a thin sliver of the moon reappear.之后的一天晚上，莫尼卡看到了一个月牙。

3 stink   

vi.发出恶臭；糟透，招人厌恶；n.恶臭

参考例句：

• The stink of the rotten fish turned my stomach.腐烂的鱼臭味使我恶心。
• The room has awful stink.那个房间散发着难闻的臭气。

4 bleat   

v.咩咩叫，(讲)废话，哭诉；n.咩咩叫，废话，哭诉

参考例句：

• He heard the bleat of a lamb.他听到小羊的叫声。
• They bleat about how miserable they are.他们诉说他们的生活是多么悲惨。

5 filched   

v.偷（尤指小的或不贵重的物品）( filch的过去式和过去分词 )

参考例句：

• Oliver filched a packet of cigarettes from a well-dressed passenger. 奥立佛从一名衣冠楚楚的乘客身上偷得一包香烟。 来自《简明英汉词典》
• He filched a piece of chalk from the teacher's desk. 他从老师的书桌上偷取一支粉笔。 来自《简明英汉词典》

6 perfectly   

adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地

参考例句：

• The witnesses were each perfectly certain of what they said.证人们个个对自己所说的话十分肯定。
• Everything that we're doing is all perfectly above board.我们做的每件事情都是光明正大的。

7 guts   

v.狼吞虎咽，贪婪地吃，飞碟游戏（比赛双方每组5人，相距15码，互相掷接飞碟）；毁坏（建筑物等）的内部( gut的第三人称单数 )；取出…的内脏n.勇气( gut的名词复数 )；内脏；消化道的下段；肠

参考例句：

• I'll only cook fish if the guts have been removed. 鱼若已收拾干净，我只需烧一下即可。
• Barbara hasn't got the guts to leave her mother. 巴巴拉没有勇气离开她妈妈。 来自《简明英汉词典》

8 creek   

n.小溪，小河，小湾

参考例句：

• He sprang through the creek.他跳过小河。
• People sunbathe in the nude on the rocks above the creek.人们在露出小溪的岩石上裸体晒日光浴。

9 bevy   

n.一群

参考例句：

• A bevy of bathing beauties appeared on the beach.沙滩上出现了一群游泳的美女。
• Look,there comes a bevy of ladies.看，一群女人来了。

10 vet   

n.兽医，退役军人；vt.检查

参考例句：

• I took my dog to the vet.我把狗带到兽医诊所看病。
• Someone should vet this report before it goes out.这篇报道发表之前应该有人对它进行详查。

11 dangling   

悬吊着( dangle的现在分词 )； 摆动不定； 用某事物诱惑…； 吊胃口

参考例句：

• The tooth hung dangling by the bedpost, now. 结果，那颗牙就晃来晃去吊在床柱上了。
• The children sat on the high wall,their legs dangling. 孩子们坐在一堵高墙上，摇晃着他们的双腿。

12 Nazis   

n.（德国的）纳粹党员( Nazi的名词复数 )；纳粹主义

参考例句：

• The Nazis worked them over with gun butts. 纳粹分子用枪托毒打他们。 来自《简明英汉词典》
• The Nazis were responsible for the mass murder of Jews during World War Ⅱ. 纳粹必须为第二次世界大战中对犹太人的大屠杀负责。 来自《简明英汉词典》

13 knotty   

adj.有结的，多节的，多瘤的，棘手的

参考例句：

• Under his leadership,many knotty problems were smoothly solved.在他的领导下，许多伤脑筋的问题都迎刃而解。
• She met with a lot of knotty problems.她碰上了许多棘手的问题。

14 respiration   

n.呼吸作用；一次呼吸；植物光合作用

参考例句：

• They tried artificial respiration but it was of no avail.他们试做人工呼吸，可是无效。
• They made frequent checks on his respiration,pulse and blood.他们经常检查他的呼吸、脉搏和血液。

15 milky   

adj.牛奶的，多奶的；乳白色的

参考例句：

• Alexander always has milky coffee at lunchtime.亚历山大总是在午餐时喝掺奶的咖啡。
• I like a hot milky drink at bedtime.我喜欢睡前喝杯热奶饮料。

16 imminent   

adj.即将发生的，临近的，逼近的

参考例句：

• The black clounds show that a storm is imminent.乌云预示暴风雨即将来临。
• The country is in imminent danger.国难当头。

17 thermal   

adj.热的，由热造成的；保暖的

参考例句：

• They will build another thermal power station.他们要另外建一座热能发电站。
• Volcanic activity has created thermal springs and boiling mud pools.火山活动产生了温泉和沸腾的泥浆池。

18 reincarnated   

v.赋予新形体，使转世化身( reincarnate的过去式和过去分词 )

参考例句：

• They believe humans are reincarnated in animal form. 他们相信人死后转生为动物。
• She was reincarnated as a snake. 她化身为一条蛇。 来自辞典例句

19 winces   

避开，畏缩( wince的名词复数 )

参考例句：

• He winces at the memory of that experience. 他一回想起那番经历就畏缩起来。
• He winces at the memory of that defeat. 一想到那次失败他就畏缩了。

20 blurt   

vt.突然说出，脱口说出

参考例句：

• If you can blurt out 300 sentences,you can make a living in America.如果你能脱口而出300句英语，你可以在美国工作。
• I will blurt out one passage every week.我每星期要脱口而出一篇短文！

21 lining   

n.衬里，衬料

参考例句：

• The lining of my coat is torn.我的外套衬里破了。
• Moss makes an attractive lining to wire baskets.用苔藓垫在铁丝篮里很漂亮。