EXISTENCE

EXISTENCE
Early on, you face
The realization¹ you don’t
Have a space
Where you fit in
And recognize you
Were born to exist
Standing² alone
—“Outside”
There was a time in my early childhood when I didn’t believe I was worthy³ of being alive.
I was too young to contemplate⁴ ending my life but just old enough to know I hadn’t begunliving nor found where I belonged. Nowhere in my world did I see anyone who lookedlike me or reflected how I felt inside.
There was my mother, Patricia, with paler skin and straighter hair, and my father,Alfred Roy, with deeper skin and kinkier hair, and neither had faces with features just likemine. I saw them both as riddled⁵ with regret, hostages of a sequence of cruelcircumstances. My sister, Alison, and brother, Morgan, were both older and darker, andnot just in terms of the hues⁶ of their skin, though they were slightly browner. The two ofthem had a similar energy that seemed to block light. They had an approach to the worldthat made little room for whimsy⁷ and fantasy, which was my natural tendency. We sharedcommon blood, yet I felt like a stranger among them all, an intruder in my own family.
I was always so scared as a little girl, and music was my escape. My house was heavy,weighed down with yelling and chaos⁸. When I sang, in a whispery tone, it calmed medown. I discovered a quiet, soft, light place inside my voice—a vibration⁹ in me thatbrought me sweet relief. My whisper-singing was my secret lullaby to myself.
But in singing I also found a connection to my mother, a Juilliard-trained opera singer.
As I listened to her doing vocal¹⁰ exercises at home, the repetition of the scales felt like amantra, soothing¹¹ my frightened little mind. Her voice went up and down and up and upand up—and something inside me rose along with it. (I would also sing along with thebeautiful, angelic, soulful Minnie Riperton’s “Lovin’ You” and follow her voice up intothe clouds.) I would sing little tunes¹² around the house, to my mother’s delight. And shealways encouraged me. One day, while practicing an aria¹³ from the opera Rigoletto, shekept stumbling on this one part. I sang it back to her, in perfect Italian. I might have beenthree years old. She looked at me, stunned¹⁴, and at that moment I knew she saw me. I wasmore than a little girl to her. I was Mariah. A musician.
My father taught me to whistle before I could talk. I had a raspy speaking voice eventhen, and I liked that I sounded different from most other kids my age. My singing voice,on the other hand, was smooth and strong. One day, when I was around eight years old, Iwas walking down the street with my friend Maureen, who had porcelainlike skin withwarm brown hair and a sweet face like Dorothy’s from The Wizard of Oz. She was one ofthe few little white girls in the neighborhood who was allowed to play with me. As wewalked, I began to sing something. She stopped suddenly, frozen in place on the sidewalk.
She listened for a moment in silence, standing very still. Finally, she turned to me andsaid, in a clear and steady voice, “When you sing it sounds like there are instruments withyou. There’s music all around your voice.” She said it like a proclamation, almost like aprayer.
They say God speaks through people, and I will always be grateful for my littlegirlfriend speaking into my heart that day. She saw something special in me and gave itwords, and I believed her. I believed my voice was made of instruments—piano, strings,and flutes¹⁵. I believed my voice could be music. All I needed was someone to see and hearme.
I saw how my voice could make other people feel something good inside, somethingmagical and transformative. That meant not only was I not unworthy, valid¹⁶ as a person,but I was valuable. Here was something of value that I could bring to others—the feeling.
It was the feeling I would pursue for a lifetime. It gave me a reason to exist.

1 realization   

n.实现；认识到，深刻了解

参考例句：

• We shall gladly lend every effort in our power toward its realization.我们将乐意为它的实现而竭尽全力。
• He came to the realization that he would never make a good teacher.他逐渐认识到自己永远不会成为好老师。

2 standing   

n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的

参考例句：

• After the earthquake only a few houses were left standing.地震过后只有几幢房屋还立着。
• They're standing out against any change in the law.他们坚决反对对法律做任何修改。

3 worthy   

adj.(of)值得的，配得上的；有价值的

参考例句：

• I did not esteem him to be worthy of trust.我认为他不值得信赖。
• There occurred nothing that was worthy to be mentioned.没有值得一提的事发生。

4 contemplate   

vt.盘算，计议；周密考虑；注视，凝视

参考例句：

• The possibility of war is too horrifying to contemplate.战争的可能性太可怕了，真不堪细想。
• The consequences would be too ghastly to contemplate.后果不堪设想。

5 riddled   

adj.布满的；充斥的；泛滥的v.解谜，出谜题(riddle的过去分词形式)

参考例句：

• The beams are riddled with woodworm. 这些木梁被蛀虫蛀得都是洞。
• The bodies of the hostages were found riddled with bullets. 在人质的尸体上发现了很多弹孔。 来自《简明英汉词典》

6 hues   

色彩( hue的名词复数 )； 色调； 信仰； 观点

参考例句：

• When the sun rose a hundred prismatic hues were reflected from it. 太阳一出，更把它映得千变万化、异彩缤纷。
• Where maple trees grow, the leaves are often several brilliant hues of red. 在枫树生长的地方，枫叶常常呈现出数种光彩夺目的红色。

7 whimsy   

n.古怪，异想天开

参考例句：

• They are like oracular messages,but witty-jaunty at times-and sometimes trembling on the edge of whimsy.它们都像神谕，但很机智，有时极其轻快，有时又濒于怪诞。
• He had a whimsy about flying to the moon.他有个想飞上月球的怪念头。

8 chaos   

n.混乱，无秩序

参考例句：

• After the failure of electricity supply the city was in chaos.停电后，城市一片混乱。
• The typhoon left chaos behind it.台风后一片混乱。

9 vibration   

n.颤动，振动；摆动

参考例句：

• There is so much vibration on a ship that one cannot write.船上的震动大得使人无法书写。
• The vibration of the window woke me up.窗子的震动把我惊醒了。

10 vocal   

adj.直言不讳的；嗓音的；n.[pl.]声乐节目

参考例句：

• The tongue is a vocal organ.舌头是一个发音器官。
• Public opinion at last became vocal.终于舆论哗然。

11 soothing   

adj.慰藉的；使人宽心的；镇静的

参考例句：

• Put on some nice soothing music.播放一些柔和舒缓的音乐。
• His casual, relaxed manner was very soothing.他随意而放松的举动让人很快便平静下来。

12 tunes   

n.曲调，曲子( tune的名词复数 )v.调音( tune的第三人称单数 )；调整；（给收音机、电视等）调谐；使协调

参考例句：

• a potpourri of tunes 乐曲集锦
• When things get a bit too much, she simply tunes out temporarily. 碰到事情太棘手时，她干脆暂时撒手不管。 来自《简明英汉词典》

13 aria   

n.独唱曲，咏叹调

参考例句：

• This song takes off from a famous aria.这首歌仿效一首著名的咏叹调。
• The opera was marred by an awkward aria.整部歌剧毁在咏叹调部分的不够熟练。

14 stunned   

adj. 震惊的，惊讶的 动词stun的过去式和过去分词

参考例句：

• The fall stunned me for a moment. 那一下摔得我昏迷了片刻。
• The leaders of the Kopper Company were then stunned speechless. 科伯公司的领导们当时被惊得目瞪口呆。

15 flutes   

长笛( flute的名词复数 )； 细长香槟杯（形似长笛）

参考例句：

• The melody is then taken up by the flutes. 接着由长笛奏主旋律。
• These flutes have 6open holes and a lovely bright sound. 笛子有6个吹气孔，奏出的声音响亮清脆。

16 valid   

adj.有确实根据的；有效的；正当的，合法的

参考例句：

• His claim to own the house is valid.他主张对此屋的所有权有效。
• Do you have valid reasons for your absence?你的缺席有正当理由吗？