HODEL

HODEL
Singing was a form of escapism for me, and writing was a form of processing. There wasjoy in it, but it mainly was survival (and it still is). My voice was recognized as pure talentnot only by my mother but also by my teachers. A friend of my mother’s was my musicteacher, and she was exceptional. As a child I was in a few school plays, and I would singfor friends at random¹ events. Singing onstage (or anywhere), imagining I was someoneelse, was when I felt most like myself. Walking around alone and coming up withmelodies while singing to myself was when I felt the most whole. To this day, I escape tomy private vocal² booth to shut out all the demands of life and feel myself in my space,singing alone.
I was in the fifth grade when I first got the opportunity to attend an exclusiveperforming arts summer camp. This was a breakthrough! I could finally be around otheryoung aspiring³ artists and hone my craft, undistracted by the confusion and chaos⁴ at home.
I landed the role of Hodel, one of the five daughters in the camp’s production of Fiddleron the Roof. I lived to go to rehearsals⁵. It was my favorite time and place. I was confident,quickly learning the songs and studying their meanings. The act of practicing camenaturally to me; I liked to do things over and over again. I loved the experience ofwitnessing my performance getting better with each try, finding new and better ways todeliver a song.
The drive to practice music was also something my mother recognized and encouragedin me early on. She rehearsed the Fiddler songs with me at home, playing along on herYamaha piano. Even as a little girl I was interested in exploring the details that made up agreat song. And I was fascinated by the storytelling in the musical. I even managed tomake a “camp friend” in the community of largely Jewish and mostly wealthy kids. Webonded through our love and seriousness of singing. We even kinda looked alike. She wasIsraeli with thick curly, almost kinky hair. So we both had tangled⁶ textures⁷. We tried todress alike when we could, we had the same pink onesie. Because people saw us together,saw some physical similarities, I think they thought I was a blondish Jewish girl frommeans.
I loved Hodel because she fell in love with a revolutionary boy and went to the ends ofthe earth to follow her passion. My big number was in the second act, a song called “Farfrom the Home I Love.” It was a well-suited song for my breathy tone, and I remember Isang it in a purely⁸ emotional way. The song opened with these lovely, memorable⁹ lines:
How can I hope to make you understand
Why I do what I do?
Why I must travel to a distant land
Far from the home I love.
My father was coming up to the camp for the show’s opening night, and I was thrilled.
He was a practical man who wasn’t thrilled with my artistic¹⁰ passion, but he hadreluctantly paid half of my hefty tuition for camp that year. So while he was certainlycoming to support me, he was also checking in on his investment. I didn’t have theprivilege of trying all different kinds of hobbies, like the kids I went to school with—itwas this camp, or bust¹¹. So I knew I had to get all I could from it. There was no flittingfrom tennis lessons to guitar to dance class. Not that I would ever step foot in a danceclass, even if we could afford it. I was traumatized early on about dancing.
One time when Addie was at my father’s house, she looked at me, with my unrulyflaxen hair and peach-crayon-colored skin, and said, “Roy, that ain’t your baby.” Then, asif to prove her point, she addressed me: “Girl, lemme see you dance.” While I wassurrounded by music, there wasn’t much dancing in my childhood. My mother didn’tdance; I never saw my siblings¹² dance. My father didn’t dance until later in the eighties,when he took hustle¹³ lessons.
In my mind, dancing became a measurement for Black acceptance, for belongingsomewhere and to someone—for belonging to my father. I didn’t dance for Addie thatday. I didn’t dance much at all after that. I just couldn’t recover from the fear of notdancing “right” for my father. I stood there terrified to move, fearing if I didn’t dance wellenough or if I moved the wrong way, it would somehow prove that my father wasn’t myfather.
That day at camp, as Hodel, I sang and smiled and pranced¹⁴ about the stage and sangsome more. I sang in a very distinct lullaby style. I was good, and everybody knew it. Icould hear the loud clapping as I took my bow; it was like another kind of grand music,giving me energy, giving me hope. As I raised my head I saw the widest smile on myfather’s face. His smile was like sunshine itself. He walked up to the edge of the stage, hisarms filled with a big bouquet¹⁵ of sunny daisies tied with a lavender ribbon. Beaming withpride, he handed me the flowers as if they were a prestigious¹⁶ award. At first we were bothtoo giddy to notice that people were staring at us—and not in a way that felt good, notbecause I had given the outstanding performance of the night. They were staring becausemy father was the only Black man in sight, and I belonged to him. That night, the teachers,the parents, and all the other campers learned that my father was a Black man, and I paidthe price for it. I got my thunderous applause and I got my flowers, but I never got anothermajor role in a play at that camp again.
Please be at peace father
I’m at peace with you
Bitterness isn’t worth clinging to
After all the anguish we’ve all been through—“Sunflowers for Alfred Roy”

1 random   

adj.随机的；任意的；n.偶然的(或随便的)行动

参考例句：

• The list is arranged in a random order.名单排列不分先后。
• On random inspection the meat was found to be bad.经抽查，发现肉变质了。

2 vocal   

adj.直言不讳的；嗓音的；n.[pl.]声乐节目

参考例句：

• The tongue is a vocal organ.舌头是一个发音器官。
• Public opinion at last became vocal.终于舆论哗然。

3 aspiring   

adj.有志气的；有抱负的；高耸的v.渴望；追求

参考例句：

• Aspiring musicians need hours of practice every day. 想当音乐家就要每天练许多小时。
• He came from an aspiring working-class background. 他出身于有抱负的工人阶级家庭。 来自辞典例句

4 chaos   

n.混乱，无秩序

参考例句：

• After the failure of electricity supply the city was in chaos.停电后，城市一片混乱。
• The typhoon left chaos behind it.台风后一片混乱。

5 rehearsals   

n.练习( rehearsal的名词复数 )；排练；复述；重复

参考例句：

• The earlier protests had just been dress rehearsals for full-scale revolution. 早期的抗议仅仅是大革命开始前的预演。
• She worked like a demon all through rehearsals. 她每次排演时始终精力过人。 来自《简明英汉词典》

6 tangled   

adj. 纠缠的，紊乱的 动词tangle的过去式和过去分词

参考例句：

• Your hair's so tangled that I can't comb it. 你的头发太乱了，我梳不动。
• A movement caught his eye in the tangled undergrowth. 乱灌木丛里的晃动引起了他的注意。

7 textures   

n.手感( texture的名词复数 )；质感；口感；（音乐或文学的）谐和统一感

参考例句：

• I'm crazy about fabrics textures and colors and designs. 我喜欢各式各样的纺织物--对它的质地，色彩到花纹图案--简直是入了迷。 来自辞典例句
• Let me clear up the point about the textures. 让我明确了一点有关的纹理。 来自互联网

8 purely   

adv.纯粹地，完全地

参考例句：

• I helped him purely and simply out of friendship.我帮他纯粹是出于友情。
• This disproves the theory that children are purely imitative.这证明认为儿童只会单纯地模仿的理论是站不住脚的。

9 memorable   

adj.值得回忆的，难忘的，特别的，显著的

参考例句：

• This was indeed the most memorable day of my life.这的确是我一生中最值得怀念的日子。
• The veteran soldier has fought many memorable battles.这个老兵参加过许多难忘的战斗。

10 artistic   

adj.艺术(家)的，美术(家)的；善于艺术创作的

参考例句：

• The picture on this screen is a good artistic work.这屏风上的画是件很好的艺术品。
• These artistic handicrafts are very popular with foreign friends.外国朋友很喜欢这些美术工艺品。

11 bust   

vt.打破；vi.爆裂；n.半身像；胸部

参考例句：

• I dropped my camera on the pavement and bust it. 我把照相机掉在人行道上摔坏了。
• She has worked up a lump of clay into a bust.她把一块黏土精心制作成一个半身像。

12 siblings   

n.兄弟，姐妹( sibling的名词复数 )

参考例句：

• A triplet sleeps amongst its two siblings. 一个三胞胎睡在其两个同胞之间。 来自《简明英汉词典》
• She has no way of tracking the donor or her half-siblings down. 她没办法找到那个捐精者或她的兄弟姐妹。 来自时文部分

13 hustle   

v.推搡；竭力兜售或获取；催促；n.奔忙(碌)

参考例句：

• It seems that he enjoys the hustle and bustle of life in the big city.看起来他似乎很喜欢大城市的热闹繁忙的生活。
• I had to hustle through the crowded street.我不得不挤过拥挤的街道。

14 pranced   

v.（马）腾跃( prance的过去式和过去分词 )

参考例句：

• Their horses pranced and whinnied. 他们的马奔腾着、嘶鸣着。 来自辞典例句
• The little girl pranced about the room in her new clothes. 小女孩穿着新衣在屋里雀跃。 来自辞典例句

15 bouquet   

n.花束，酒香

参考例句：

• This wine has a rich bouquet.这种葡萄酒有浓郁的香气。
• Her wedding bouquet consisted of roses and ivy.她的婚礼花篮包括玫瑰和长春藤。

16 prestigious   

adj.有威望的，有声望的，受尊敬的

参考例句：

• The young man graduated from a prestigious university.这个年轻人毕业于一所名牌大学。
• You may even join a prestigious magazine as a contributing editor.甚至可能会加入一个知名杂志做编辑。