Miss Murray now always went twice to church, for she so loved admiration1 that she could not bear to lose a single opportunity of obtaining it; and she was so sure of it wherever she showed herself, that, whether Harry2 Meltham and Mr. Green were there or not, there was certain to be somebody present who would not be insensible to her charms, besides the Rector, whose official capacity generally obliged him to attend. Usually, also, if the weather permitted, both she and her sister would walk home; Matilda, because she hated the confinement3 of the carriage; she, because she disliked the privacy of it, and enjoyed the company that generally enlivened the first mile of the journey in walking from the church to Mr. Green's park-gates: near which commenced the private road to Horton Lodge5, which lay in the opposite direction, while the highway conducted in a straightforward6 course to the still more distant mansion7 of Sir Hugh Meltham. Thus there was always a chance of being accompanied, so far, either by Harry Meltham, with or without Miss Meltham, or Mr. Green, with perhaps one or both of his sisters, and any gentlemen visitors they might have.
Whether I walked with the young ladies or rode with their parents, depended upon their own capricious will: if they chose to 'take' me, I went; if, for reasons best known to themselves, they chose to go alone, I took my seat in the carriage. I liked walking better, but a sense of reluctance8 to obtrude9 my presence on anyone who did not desire it, always kept me passive on these and similar occasions; and I never inquired into the causes of their varying whims10. Indeed, this was the best policy--for to submit and oblige was the governess's part, to consult their own pleasure was that of the pupils. But when I did walk, the first half of journey was generally a great nuisance to me. As none of the before-mentioned ladies and gentlemen ever noticed me, it was disagreeable to walk beside them, as if listening to what they said, or wishing to be thought one of them, while they talked over me, or across; and if their eyes, in speaking, chanced to fall on me, it seemed as if they looked on vacancy--as if they either did not see me, or were very desirous to make it appear so. It was disagreeable, too, to walk behind, and thus appear to acknowledge my own inferiority; for, in truth, I considered myself pretty nearly as good as the best of them, and wished them to know that I did so, and not to imagine that I looked upon myself as a mere11 domestic, who knew her own place too well to walk beside such fine ladies and gentlemen as they were--though her young ladies might choose to have her with them, and even condescend12 to converse13 with her when no better company were at hand. Thus--I am almost ashamed to confess it--but indeed I gave myself no little trouble in my endeavours (if I did keep up with them) to appear perfectly14 unconscious or regardless of their presence, as if I were wholly absorbed in my own reflections, or the contemplation of surrounding objects; or, if I lingered behind, it was some bird or insect, some tree or flower, that attracted my attention, and having duly examined that, I would pursue my walk alone, at a leisurely15 pace, until my pupils had bidden adieu to their companions and turned off into the quiet private road.
One such occasion I particularly well remember; it was a lovely afternoon about the close of March; Mr. Green and his sisters had sent their carriage back empty, in order to enjoy the bright sunshine and balmy air in a sociable16 walk home along with their visitors, Captain Somebody and Lieutenant17 Somebody-else (a couple of military fops), and the Misses Murray, who, of course, contrived18 to join them. Such a party was highly agreeable to Rosalie; but not finding it equally suitable to my taste, I presently fell back, and began to botanise and entomologise along the green banks and budding hedges, till the company was considerably19 in advance of me, and I could hear the sweet song of the happy lark20; then my spirit of misanthropy began to melt away beneath the soft, pure air and genial21 sunshine; but sad thoughts of early childhood, and yearnings for departed joys, or for a brighter future lot, arose instead. As my eyes wandered over the steep banks covered with young grass and green-leaved plants, and surmounted22 by budding hedges, I longed intensely for some familiar flower that might recall the woody dales or green hill-sides of home: the brown moorlands, of course, were out of the question. Such a discovery would make my eyes gush23 out with water, no doubt; but that was one of my greatest enjoyments25 now. At length I descried26, high up between the twisted roots of an oak, three lovely primroses27, peeping so sweetly from their hiding-place that the tears already started at the sight; but they grew so high above me, that I tried in vain to gather one or two, to dream over and to carry with me: I could not reach them unless I climbed the bank, which I was deterred28 from doing by hearing a footstep at that moment behind me, and was, therefore, about to turn away, when I was startled by the words, 'Allow me to gather them for you, Miss Grey,' spoken in the grave, low tones of a well-known voice. Immediately the flowers were gathered, and in my hand. It was Mr. Weston, of course--who else would trouble himself to do so much for ME?
'I thanked him; whether warmly or coldly, I cannot tell: but certain I am that I did not express half the gratitude30 I felt. It was foolish, perhaps, to feel any gratitude at all; but it seemed to me, at that moment, as if this were a remarkable31 instance of his good-nature: an act of kindness, which I could not repay, but never should forget: so utterly32 unaccustomed was I to receive such civilities, so little prepared to expect them from anyone within fifty miles of Horton Lodge. Yet this did not prevent me from feeling a little uncomfortable in his presence; and I proceeded to follow my pupils at a much quicker pace than before; though, perhaps, if Mr. Weston had taken the hint, and let me pass without another word, I might have repeated it an hour after: but he did not. A somewhat rapid walk for me was but an ordinary pace for him.
'Your young ladies have left you alone,' said he.
'Yes, they are occupied with more agreeable company.'
'Then don't trouble yourself to overtake them.' I slackened my pace; but next moment regretted having done so: my companion did not speak; and I had nothing in the world to say, and feared he might be in the same predicament. At length, however, he broke the pause by asking, with a certain quiet abruptness33 peculiar34 to himself, if I liked flowers.
'Yes; very much,' I answered, 'wild-flowers especially.'
'_I_ like wild-flowers,' said he; 'others I don't care about, because I have no particular associations connected with them-- except one or two. What are your favourite flowers?'
'Primroses, bluebells35, and heath-blossoms.'
'Not violets?'
'No; because, as you say, I have no particular associations connected with them; for there are no sweet violets among the hills and valleys round my home.'
'It must be a great consolation36 to you to have a home, Miss Grey,' observed my companion after a short pause: 'however remote, or however seldom visited, still it is something to look to.'
'It is so much that I think I could not live without it,' replied I, with an enthusiasm of which I immediately repented37; for I thought it must have sounded essentially38 silly.
'Oh, yes, you could,' said he, with a thoughtful smile. 'The ties that bind39 us to life are tougher than you imagine, or than anyone can who has not felt how roughly they may be pulled without breaking. You might be miserable40 without a home, but even YOU could live; and not so miserably41 as you suppose. The human heart is like india-rubber; a little swells42 it, but a great deal will not burst it. If "little more than nothing will disturb it, little less than all things will suffice" to break it. As in the outer members of our frame, there is a vital power inherent in itself that strengthens it against external violence. Every blow that shakes it will serve to harden it against a future stroke; as constant labour thickens the skin of the hand, and strengthens its muscles instead of wasting them away: so that a day of arduous43 toil44, that might excoriate45 a lady's palm, would make no sensible impression on that of a hardy46 ploughman.
'I speak from experience--partly my own. There was a time when I thought as you do--at least, I was fully47 persuaded that home and its affections were the only things that made life tolerable: that, if deprived of these, existence would become a burden hard to be endured; but now I have no home--unless you would dignify48 my two hired rooms at Horton by such a name;--and not twelve months ago I lost the last and dearest of my early friends; and yet, not only I live, but I am not wholly destitute49 of hope and comfort, even for this life: though I must acknowledge that I can seldom enter even an humble50 cottage at the close of day, and see its inhabitants peaceably gathered around their cheerful hearth51, without a feeling ALMOST of envy at their domestic enjoyment24.'
'You don't know what happiness lies before you yet,' said I: 'you are now only in the commencement of your journey.'
'The best of happiness,' replied he, 'is mine already--the power and the will to be useful.'
We now approached a stile communicating with a footpath52 that conducted to a farm-house, where, I suppose, Mr. Weston purposed to make himself 'useful;' for he presently took leave of me, crossed the stile, and traversed the path with his usual firm, elastic53 tread, leaving me to ponder his words as I continued my course alone. I had heard before that he had lost his mother not many months before he came. She then was the last and dearest of his early friends; and he had NO HOME. I pitied him from my heart: I almost wept for sympathy. And this, I thought, accounted for the shade of premature54 thoughtfulness that so frequently clouded his brow, and obtained for him the reputation of a morose55 and sullen56 disposition57 with the charitable Miss Murray and all her kin4. 'But,' thought I, 'he is not so miserable as I should be under such a deprivation58: he leads an active life; and a wide field for useful exertion59 lies before him. He can MAKE friends; and he can make a home too, if he pleases; and, doubtless, he will please some time. God grant the partner of that home may be worthy60 of his choice, and make it a happy one--such a home as he deserves to have! And how delightful61 it would be to--' But no matter what I thought.
I began this book with the intention of concealing62 nothing; that those who liked might have the benefit of perusing63 a fellow- creature's heart: but we have some thoughts that all the angels in heaven are welcome to behold64, but not our brother-men--not even the best and kindest amongst them.
By this time the Greens had taken themselves to their own abode65, and the Murrays had turned down the private road, whither I hastened to follow them. I found the two girls warm in an animated66 discussion on the respective merits of the two young officers; but on seeing me Rosalie broke off in the middle of a sentence to exclaim, with malicious67 glee -
'Oh-ho, Miss Grey! you're come at last, are you? No WONDER you lingered so long behind; and no WONDER you always stand up so vigorously for Mr. Weston when I abuse him. Ah-ha! I see it all now!'
'Now, come, Miss Murray, don't be foolish,' said I, attempting a good-natured laugh; 'you know such nonsense can make no impression on me.'
But she still went on talking such intolerable stuff--her sister helping68 her with appropriate fiction coined for the occasion--that I thought it necessary to say something in my own justification69.
'What folly70 all this is!' I exclaimed. 'If Mr. Weston's road happened to be the same as mine for a few yards, and if he chose to exchange a word or two in passing, what is there so remarkable in that? I assure you, I never spoke29 to him before: except once.'
'Where? where? and when?' cried they eagerly.
'In Nancy's cottage.'
'Ah-ha! you've met him there, have you?' exclaimed Rosalie, with exultant71 laughter. 'Ah! now, Matilda, I've found out why she's so fond of going to Nancy Brown's! She goes there to flirt72 with Mr. Weston.'
'Really, that is not worth contradicting--I only saw him there once, I tell you--and how could I know he was coming?'
Irritated as I was at their foolish mirth and vexatious imputations, the uneasiness did not continue long: when they had had their laugh out, they returned again to the captain and lieutenant; and, while they disputed and commented upon them, my indignation rapidly cooled; the cause of it was quickly forgotten, and I turned my thoughts into a pleasanter channel. Thus we proceeded up the park, and entered the hall; and as I ascended73 the stairs to my own chamber74, I had but one thought within me: my heart was filled to overflowing75 with one single earnest wish. Having entered the room, and shut the door, I fell upon my knees and offered up a fervent76 but not impetuous prayer: 'Thy will be done,' I strove to say throughout; but, 'Father, all things are possible with Thee, and may it be Thy will,' was sure to follow. That wish--that prayer--both men and women would have scorned me for--'But, Father, THOU wilt77 NOT despise!' I said, and felt that it was true. It seemed to me that another's welfare was at least as ardently78 implored79 for as my own; nay80, even THAT was the principal object of my heart's desire. I might have been deceiving myself; but that idea gave me confidence to ask, and power to hope I did not ask in vain. As for the primroses, I kept two of them in a glass in my room until they were completely withered81, and the housemaid threw them out; and the petals82 of the other I pressed between the leaves of my Bible--I have them still, and mean to keep them always.
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1
admiration
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| n.钦佩，赞美，羡慕 | |
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harry
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| vt.掠夺，蹂躏，使苦恼 | |
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confinement
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| n.幽禁，拘留，监禁；分娩；限制，局限 | |
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kin
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| n.家族，亲属，血缘关系；adj.亲属关系的，同类的 | |
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lodge
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| v.临时住宿，寄宿，寄存，容纳；n.传达室，小旅馆 | |
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straightforward
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| adj.正直的，坦率的；易懂的，简单的 | |
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mansion
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| n.大厦，大楼；宅第 | |
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reluctance
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| n.厌恶，讨厌，勉强，不情愿 | |
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obtrude
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| v.闯入；侵入；打扰 | |
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WHIMS
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| 虚妄，禅病 | |
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mere
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| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
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condescend
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| v.俯就，屈尊；堕落，丢丑 | |
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converse
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| vi.谈话，谈天，闲聊；adv.相反的，相反 | |
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perfectly
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| adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地 | |
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leisurely
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| adj.悠闲的；从容的，慢慢的 | |
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sociable
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| adj.好交际的，友好的，合群的 | |
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lieutenant
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| n.陆军中尉，海军上尉；代理官员，副职官员 | |
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contrived
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| adj.不自然的，做作的；虚构的 | |
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considerably
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| adv.极大地；相当大地；在很大程度上 | |
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lark
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| n.云雀，百灵鸟；n.嬉戏，玩笑；vi.嬉戏 | |
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genial
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| adj.亲切的，和蔼的，愉快的，脾气好的 | |
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surmounted
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| 战胜( surmount的过去式和过去分词 )； 克服（困难）； 居于…之上； 在…顶上 | |
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gush
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| v.喷，涌；滔滔不绝(说话)；n.喷，涌流；迸发 | |
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enjoyment
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| n.乐趣；享有；享用 | |
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enjoyments
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| 愉快( enjoyment的名词复数 )； 令人愉快的事物； 享有； 享受 | |
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descried
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| adj.被注意到的，被发现的，被看到的 | |
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primroses
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| n.报春花( primrose的名词复数 )；淡黄色；追求享乐（招至恶果） | |
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deterred
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| v.阻止，制止( deter的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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gratitude
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| adj.感激，感谢 | |
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remarkable
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| adj.显著的，异常的，非凡的，值得注意的 | |
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utterly
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| adv.完全地，绝对地 | |
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abruptness
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| n. 突然，唐突 | |
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peculiar
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| adj.古怪的，异常的；特殊的，特有的 | |
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bluebells
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| n.圆叶风铃草( bluebell的名词复数 ) | |
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consolation
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| n.安慰，慰问 | |
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repented
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| 对（自己的所为）感到懊悔或忏悔( repent的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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essentially
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| adv.本质上，实质上，基本上 | |
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bind
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| vt.捆，包扎；装订；约束；使凝固；vi.变硬 | |
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miserable
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| adj.悲惨的，痛苦的；可怜的，糟糕的 | |
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miserably
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| adv.痛苦地；悲惨地；糟糕地；极度地 | |
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swells
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| 增强( swell的第三人称单数 )； 肿胀； （使）凸出； 充满（激情） | |
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arduous
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| adj.艰苦的，费力的，陡峭的 | |
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toil
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| vi.辛劳工作，艰难地行动；n.苦工，难事 | |
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45
excoriate
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| v.使磨破皮；剥皮 | |
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hardy
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| adj.勇敢的，果断的，吃苦的；耐寒的 | |
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fully
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| adv.完全地，全部地，彻底地；充分地 | |
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48
dignify
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| vt.使有尊严；使崇高；给增光 | |
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49
destitute
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| adj.缺乏的；穷困的 | |
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50
humble
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| adj.谦卑的，恭顺的；地位低下的；v.降低，贬低 | |
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51
hearth
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| n.壁炉炉床，壁炉地面 | |
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52
footpath
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| n.小路，人行道 | |
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53
elastic
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| n.橡皮圈，松紧带；adj.有弹性的；灵活的 | |
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premature
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| adj.比预期时间早的；不成熟的，仓促的 | |
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55
morose
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| adj.脾气坏的，不高兴的 | |
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sullen
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| adj.愠怒的，闷闷不乐的，(天气等)阴沉的 | |
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57
disposition
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| n.性情，性格；意向，倾向；排列，部署 | |
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58
deprivation
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| n.匮乏；丧失；夺去，贫困 | |
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exertion
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| n.尽力，努力 | |
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worthy
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| adj.(of)值得的，配得上的；有价值的 | |
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61
delightful
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| adj.令人高兴的，使人快乐的 | |
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62
concealing
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| v.隐藏，隐瞒，遮住( conceal的现在分词 ) | |
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63
perusing
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| v.读（某篇文字）( peruse的现在分词 )；（尤指）细阅；审阅；匆匆读或心不在焉地浏览（某篇文字） | |
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behold
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| v.看，注视，看到 | |
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abode
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| n.住处，住所 | |
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animated
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| adj.生气勃勃的，活跃的，愉快的 | |
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malicious
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| adj.有恶意的，心怀恶意的 | |
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helping
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| n.食物的一份&adj.帮助人的，辅助的 | |
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69
justification
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| n.正当的理由；辩解的理由 | |
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70
folly
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| n.愚笨，愚蠢，蠢事，蠢行，傻话 | |
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exultant
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| adj.欢腾的，狂欢的，大喜的 | |
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72
flirt
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| v.调情，挑逗，调戏；n.调情者，卖俏者 | |
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73
ascended
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| v.上升，攀登( ascend的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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74
chamber
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| n.房间，寝室；会议厅；议院；会所 | |
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75
overflowing
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| n. 溢出物,溢流 adj. 充沛的，充满的 动词overflow的现在分词形式 | |
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76
fervent
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| adj.热的，热烈的，热情的 | |
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77
wilt
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| v.(使)植物凋谢或枯萎；(指人)疲倦，衰弱 | |
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78
ardently
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| adv.热心地，热烈地 | |
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79
implored
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| 恳求或乞求（某人）( implore的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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80
nay
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| adv.不；n.反对票，投反对票者 | |
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81
withered
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| adj. 枯萎的，干瘪的，（人身体的部分器官）因病萎缩的或未发育良好的 动词wither的过去式和过去分词形式 | |
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82
petals
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| n.花瓣( petal的名词复数 ) | |
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